Tuesday, July 7, 2020
will i ever get better?
help me
order and stability
safety and security
fear and scarcity
not enough
why hello.
it's been a decade.
and still, we yearn for the familiar.
look where we are.
back again.
a decade later.
and nothing's changed
we got better
but the demons never leave
kept our head above water
for a moment, for a hot minute
cruising on borrowed time
the taste of control
spiralling out
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
hello darkness my old friend
some things just never quite go away
and old habits never die
Sunday, April 30, 2017
sometimes on days like this,
the fear is real
that one day, in moments
that we don't even notice or realise
we'll slip back into that space again
like a clinical psychologist,
observing their long-term patient
we know the signs
familiar, like an old friend
fluorescent light bulbs, flashing LEDs
we feel the overwhelming
enveloping fog of despair
we're not there
close, but not yet there
we have a vague inkling
that there's a ledge over the ravine
we're stumbling around
with the ominous foreboding
that one wrong step,
and we'll be in that state
of no return
are we still clutching and trying to hang on?
should we still try?
we hear that voice
hey watch out
we're nearing the edge
let's not fall into that darkness
is it too late?
are we already on the trajectory halfway there?
staying afloat.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
i seem to go through periods of this.
one day will i look back at all these posts and feel something?
nostalgia?
my language seems to be deteriorating every period I appear back on this blog
degeneration.
should i feel grateful for this depression?
for without it, I would not be chronicling these thoughts.
she said,
where'd you want to go?
how much you want to risk?
choose suffering.
choose courage.
choose to live.
it takes strength to carry on
to recognise,
that the end of your misery,
bodes the beginning of their grief.
and that choosing to suffer,
is more noble than you think
cling on if you must
to every strand of hope
to every distraction
any thing that keeps you
feeling alive
like a drowning man
grasping at empty straws
just stay afloat for another moment
ask, ask for help
it's okay to be vulnerable.
will some one come along and analyze this?
stream of consciousness
virginia wolfe?
Friday, November 11, 2016
hunger high.
how i've missed that feeling.
a 100 calorie day, a shot of caffeine,
with a good dose of insomnia and a trippy song
or a scene out of requiem
feeling a little be ditzy
crazy maybe
---------------------
better than drugs
feels like i'm floating through time and space
and for those few hours, nothing really matters anymore
and that 14 year old kid
relishing in discovering some kind of
sick warped bodily response
to the never ending abuse
how far can we go
dancing with death
so many cliches
you're not that special
at the end of the day
its the same conditioned response
of hormones, nerves and what not
the same set of feedback loop
that gets set into motion
same as the vagabond,
lost in the desert
Monday, March 28, 2016
i want my life back
right now, i'm just constantly stuck in limbo
not moving forward,
and i can't go back
i cant turn you into him
or him into you
because that's not what love is
love is accepting your partner
with all the tags, and labels they came with
the do not wash, hand dry, do not iron, and handle with care
it's whole heartedly embracing them
their quirks, their flaws and everything else
the parts you don't like, but have come to adore with a scrunch of your nose,
and a half smile of exasperation mixed with a splash of familiarity
the parts of them that you've gotten used to
the routines that become as much a part of your life as it is theirs
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
i really cant
i cant help what or how i feel
but i dont want to take away you freedom either
but i feel so insecure when im with you
all those fears and doubts resurfacing
and all the things that i've worked so hard to bury away
i feel like im second choice
that perhaps everything else didnt work out
and that i'm just conveniently the one who did
who said yes, and that's why
and that if things had been any different
you'd chose them if they had been the one who said yes.
and that they'd be the one making you smile instead
maybe this is karma
for me to understand how he felt
the paranoia, fear and insecurities eating away at me every night
and how debilitating and helpless it feels
knowing that there's probably nothing i can do
without it spiralling into a vicious cycle
or mistrust and distrust
a tug of war of freedom and control
that no one is ever going to come out winning anyways
i think maybe she/they will make you happier
maybe you should try again...
after all they always say,
third time's the charm right?
and i'm really not saying this to be sarcastic
like how they're so bubbly and sociable and full of life
and prettier i guess. and all the things that you guys have in common
Sunday, December 6, 2015
maybe its the guilt
settling under the quilts
like a well worn duvet
washed in tears and filled with joy
of sanctuaries and pillow forts
midnight mumbles and pillow talks
i can't get you off my mind
but neither can i forget him
are these signs?
lost cables and missing gloves
cracked screens and misfortunes
someone show me what to do
i'm going to try
something i haven't tried before
to give my all, the entirety of my effort
and to see where this leads me
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
my greatest fear is that i'll never talk to you again
fleeting moments, frozen in time
captured in blurred pixels
and drunken moments
and that we'll drift apart in this sea of people
i think i felt something
maybe, it was just the air
but even the the brightest sparks
are going to burn out
without oxygen
to feed its flames
Saturday, November 14, 2015
anxiety.
and sleepless nights
is perhaps your gift to me
is it really meant to be?
or should fantasy be kept as it is?
is it funny
that all i can think of
is your hands on my hips
and the taste of you on my lips
too bad we arn't meant to be
Thursday, November 12, 2015
chasing new highs
and headlights
sleep deprived,
running away from the dreams
and the reality that haunts us
in our nightmares
across the plains of disconnect
and despair. despondent.
waiting for the curtains to fall
head throbbing
too much alcohol
no, not at all
so how do we choose
between our head and our heart
passion or comfort
somewhere along the road
she chanced upon someone
who showed her the light of the day
wind running through our hair
the beat pounding in our ears
no inhibitions
but at the end of the day
we all want someone to turn to
like a ship sailing back to the harbour
we all want some one to call home
except the venn diagram of lovers
doesn't ever seem to intercept
Friday, August 7, 2015
i miss you so much.
just your presence beside me, used to keep me so calm.
and now i just feel a little lost, a little empty.
like a ship out at sea, in new, uncharted waters
looking out into the vast ocean of opportunities
just drifting, without an anchor to call home
but i will carry on with the wind in my sail
and when winter comes we will meet again.
and i will be brimming with tales from afar
and you will bring with you the scents of home
Thursday, July 23, 2015
whenever it comes to cleaning, im so glad i dont own so many things.
Monday, July 20, 2015
and i promise.
by the next time you see me
i will become a better version of myself.
because this a place where i store the wisps and half formed wonderings
the good times should be documented as well
shouldn't it.
for as time passes,
these moments slip between the sidewalks of our mind
and we forget. except this time i want to remember