I've figured it out
it's not anything else
just
guilt, guilt and shame.
or is it the other way round?
shame. shame and guilt.

that keeps me away from the edge
yet. for now. still.

soundscapes that just embody what you feel inside. almost as though you could just disappear into them.

one day, we will too.
we'll fade into the depths
no. sink. rumble, tumble and crash. oraybe even,surf and turf.
into the depths of despair.
height times volume. base area x length.

why do we fear the absence of life?
when we hate it so much everyday.
in fleeting moments

our final peaceful resting place.
let us sleep, for a little while more,
till our bones gleam, against the tar black soil
our last remnants of who we were inside.
strong enough to believe in something, in something else, beyond convention. we tried to dream.
but not strong enough to realise, and build the castles we've always held in our minds.
and nothing else in this earth would ever satisfy that hole inside our hearts.

comments

I've figured it out
it's not anything else
just
guilt, guilt and shame.
or is it the other way round?
shame. shame and guilt.

that keeps me away from the edge
yet. for now. still.

soundscapes that just embody what you feel inside. almost as though you could just disappear into them.

one day, we will too.
we'll fade into the depths
no. sink. rumble, tumble and crash. oraybe even,surf and turf.
into the depths of despair.
height times volume. base area x length.

why do we fear the absence of life?
when we hate it so much everyday.
in fleeting moments

our final peaceful resting place.
let us sleep, for a little while more,
till our bones gleam, against the tar black soil
our last remnants of who we were inside.
strong enough to believe in something, in something else, beyond convention. we tried to dream.
but not strong enough to realise, and build the castles we've always held in our minds.
and nothing else in this earth would ever satisfy that hole inside our hearts.

comments

i like those songs,
with lyrics that are so vague that they could mean anything
the songs that you can listen to them again and again,
and every time they'll still strike close to heart

or songs with lyrics that just seem to make no sense at all
sometimes life just doesnt seem to make much sense either
so why does everything else have to?

i like so many things.
and dislike so many others.

funny huh.
as if my opinion even matter,
in the huge, vast world.

we just like to think that it does.

comments

if you're not planning to celebrate it then don't get me all worked up about it.
Kay. thanks.
i was fine actually, I get that sometimes valentines can grow commercial and insipid.
I never asked for anything much, didnt even think much about it. until you started exclaiming how lucky we were to be able to spend valentines day together.
and with each proclamation of satisfaction, at our great fortune for being able to spend the morning of valentines together when all the couples around us wouldn't be. (army stuff)
I grew to look forward to 14feb too.
and now, with one sentence,
it's just all reduced to I'm spending time with my family in the morning before I leave. I understand, no really I do. you've always been close to your family.
I'm not waiting this in resentment, and I'm not asking you to choose or to make a decision between family time an spending time with me.
but please, just don't get my hopes up at something, with promises of something in the future that's never even going to happen at all.
don't make me look forward to something that's not even going to be there. and don't make empty proclamations.
they hurt even more than you not saying anything at all in the first place.


———————————————————
I've tried to weave in so many compliments, be they in our random banters and jokes, or in those letters that I've penned or in the msgs that I've sent.
I wrote about each of your own individual, unique characteristics. and how endearing and precious they are to me. backed by specific incidents, that I've bothered to at least remember.


all you've ever told me was that I have long legs. thanks. I really appreciate that.
so if one day I didn't have long legs, you'd dump me in a blink of the eye? that's really comforting to know.

did you know when I was born, I was born half crippled? my ankle got stuck in an odd position. so when I came out, my legs were out turned. the doctors said that there's nothing much that could be done. I'd probably stay in this deformed way for the rest of my life. well you know what, love, and determination shaped me into something else. everyday my grandmother would spend hours just massaging and trying to twist that ankle back into shape.

what you're seeing is the work of love.

but what if, what if I had ugly legs, fat thighs and stubby shins? I wouldn't mean anything more right?

——————————————————

and I wish you'd ask formally, not over a simple text. I loved it, I really appreciate it. that you took the time to write all those heartfelt words, but it wouldn't hurt your ego to say those 5 words out lout in person right?

all around me i hear all these amazing stories of how others get asked out. I'm not comparing. I don't want to compare, cause everyone, and every couple is unique. but all I'm asking is that you say it in person? a text over the phone just feels so informal, like is it really true? the start of us is just going to be summarised in a few pixels? how we even met never had a solid start to begin with, it would be nice, you know to know that us being official begins on solid ground?

I'm sorry. maybe I'm being unnecessarily needy, but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask agin in person right?

and why can't you ask it in full? what does it mean to confirm? what are we even confirming?

yeah, sure we can confirm.
I can confirm that now, I'm not so sure of myself anymore. ):

comments

if you're not planning to celebrate it then don't get me all worked up about it.
Kay. thanks.
i was fine actually, I get that sometimes valentines can grow commercial and insipid.
I never asked for anything much, didnt even think much about it. until you started exclaiming how lucky we were to be able to spend valentines day together.
and with each proclamation of satisfaction, at our great fortune for being able to spend the morning of valentines together when all the couples around us wouldn't be. (army stuff)
I grew to look forward to 14feb too.
and now, with one sentence,
it's just all reduced to I'm spending time with my family in the morning before I leave. I understand, no really I do. you've always been close to your family.
I'm not waiting this in resentment, and I'm not asking you to choose or to make a decision between family time an spending time with me.
but please, just don't get my hopes up at something, with promises of something in the future that's never even going to happen at all.
don't make me look forward to something that's not even going to be there. and don't make empty proclamations.
they hurt even more than you not saying anything at all in the first place.


———————————————————
I've tried to weave in so many compliments, be they in our random banters and jokes, or in those letters that I've penned or in the msgs that I've sent.
I wrote about each of your own individual, unique characteristics. and how endearing and precious they are to me. backed by specific incidents, that I've bothered to at least remember.


all you've ever told me was that I have long legs. thanks. I really appreciate that.
so if one day I didn't have long legs, you'd dump me in a blink of the eye? that's really comforting to know.

did you know when I was born, I was born half crippled? my ankle got stuck in an odd position. so when I came out, my legs were out turned. the doctors said that there's nothing much that could be done. I'd probably stay in this deformed way for the rest of my life. well you know what, love, and determination shaped me into something else. everyday my grandmother would spend hours just massaging and trying to twist that ankle back into shape.

what you're seeing is the work of love.

but what if, what if I had ugly legs, fat thighs and stubby shins? I wouldn't mean anything more right?

——————————————————

and I wish you'd ask formally, not over a simple text. I loved it, I really appreciate it. that you took the time to write all those heartfelt words, but it wouldn't hurt your ego to say those 5 words out lout in person right?

all around me i hear all these amazing stories of how others get asked out. I'm not comparing. I don't want to compare, cause everyone, and every couple is unique. but all I'm asking is that you say it in person? a text over the phone just feels so informal, like is it really true? the start of us is just going to be summarised in a few pixels? how we even met never had a solid start to begin with, it would be nice, you know to know that us being official begins on solid ground?

I'm sorry. maybe I'm being unnecessarily needy, but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask agin in person right?

and why can't you ask it in full? what does it mean to confirm? what are we even confirming?

yeah, sure we can confirm.
I can confirm that now, I'm not so sure of myself anymore. ):

comments

if you're not planning to celebrate it then don't get me all worked up about it.
Kay. thanks.
i was fine actually, I get that sometimes valentines can grow commercial and insipid.
I never asked for anything much, didnt even think much about it. until you started exclaiming how lucky we were to be able to spend valentines day together.
and with each proclamation of satisfaction, at our great fortune for being able to spend the morning of valentines together when all the couples around us wouldn't be. (army stuff)
I grew to look forward to 14feb too.
and now, with one sentence,
it's just all reduced to I'm spending time with my family in the morning before I leave. I understand, no really I do. you've always been close to your family.
I'm not waiting this in resentment, and I'm not asking you to choose or to make a decision between family time an spending time with me.
but please, just don't get my hopes up at something, with promises of something in the future that's never even going to happen at all.
don't make me look forward to something that's not even going to be there. and don't make empty proclamations.
they hurt even more than you not saying anything at all in the first place.


———————————————————
I've tried to weave in so many compliments, be they in our random banters and jokes, or in those letters that I've penned or in the msgs that I've sent.
I wrote about each of your own individual, unique characteristics. and how endearing and precious they are to me. backed by specific incidents, that I've bothered to at least remember.


all you've ever told me was that I have long legs. thanks. I really appreciate that.
so if one day I didn't have long legs, you'd dump me in a blink of the eye? that's really comforting to know.

did you know when I was born, I was born half crippled? my ankle got stuck in an odd position. so when I came out, my legs were out turned. the doctors said that there's nothing much that could be done. I'd probably stay in this deformed way for the rest of my life. well you know what, love, and determination shaped me into something else. everyday my grandmother would spend hours just massaging and trying to twist that ankle back into shape.

what you're seeing is the work of love.

but what if, what if I had ugly legs, fat thighs and stubby shins? I wouldn't mean anything more right?

——————————————————

and I wish you'd ask formally, not over a simple text. I loved it, I really appreciate it. that you took the time to write all those heartfelt words, but it wouldn't hurt your ego to say those 5 words out lout in person right?

all around me i hear all these amazing stories of how others get asked out. I'm not comparing. I don't want to compare, cause everyone, and every couple is unique. but all I'm asking is that you say it in person? a text over the phone just feels so informal, like is it really true? the start of us is just going to be summarised in a few pixels? how we even met never had a solid start to begin with, it would be nice, you know to know that us being official begins on solid ground?

I'm sorry. maybe I'm being unnecessarily needy, but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask agin in person right?

and why can't you ask it in full? what does it mean to confirm? what are we even confirming?

yeah, sure we can confirm.
I can confirm that now, I'm not so sure of myself anymore. ):

comments

we accept the love we think we deserve.

I just can't get my head around the fact that you're real, and that you're here for good.
I'm sorry that I'm just always picking at things to tear us apart.

if you're ED,
I dont know if you've ever felt this way,
but it's also how we accept the "love" to our bodies, that we mentally think we deserve.
sometimes, feeling so worthless inside, how can we possibly deserve to enjoy te same nurturing care that normal people lavish upon themselves? what gives me the right to gorge?
maybe, just maybe, once we reach our gw's it'll finally serve as a tangible reason
or proof that we can for once, accept some kind of love.

comments

we accept the love we think we deserve.

I just can't get my head around the fact that you're real, and that you're here for good.
I'm sorry that I'm just always picking at things to tear us apart.

if you're ED,
I dont know if you've ever felt this way,
but it's also how we accept the "love" to our bodies, that we mentally think we deserve.
sometimes, feeling so worthless inside, how can we possibly deserve to enjoy te same nurturing care that normal people lavish upon themselves? what gives me the right to gorge?
maybe, just maybe, once we reach our gw's it'll finally serve as a tangible reason
or proof that we can for once, accept some kind of love.

comments

I was never really there, or here
nor present.
nothing holds me, always lost in another land
I haven't seen reality for a long time, how is it doing? it must be having a ball of a time. every one seems to live it.
I don't know who I am either,
a wanderer, a nomad
always yearning to be free, lost in the air, the skies, the clouds, and the spring breeze
that flutters on to the next season
temporal.

but like an age old chant,
that stirs up the memories of our subconscious,
you fixed me in my tracks,
you sang of a safe haven,
and of such a strong notion of home.
come, lose yourself in my arms
yield, and stay.
your song was embellished with trills of promises,
of a what's to come, warm, loving
stretching into forever,
guaranteed by the words of a future.

sitting with me through my insecurities,
weathering through storm after battering storm.
it's my fault really,
when I lash out at the world, in a fine frenzy
you'd just hold me tightly, in your arms
cocooned by your soft,persuasive logic
and it's only when the waves of torment stills, then do I realise that at the end of the day, all my own foolishness has hurt no one but the people closest to me.
when the fog finally lifts, and that little petulant girl finally wipes her unreasonable, tears of indignance from those bleary eyes,
I see the cuts, the gashes streaking crimson, that now adorn you
jokingly, but with underlying conviction you told me, one day it'll all be over. we'll sail through these waters into peace and tranquility.
we will?
we won't, dear.
how can we?
when I'm the one stirring up these storms?

comments

--------
musings.&.miseries.
otherwise known as utterly pointless moping. just ignore accordingly.



I'm too much of a coward to die
correction. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide.
how pathetic is that?
and it's all because of the little things.
things that shouldn't even matter

guess I've always felt neutral about my own existence. I've never really ever minded death too much. except for when I have nightmares about the death of people that are close to me, and dear to my heart.
life was always more like a rolling stream, that some how I'm floating on.
don't know how I got here
and I don't mind leaving either.

if only
maybe because I've been such a miserable, disappointing failure all my life
that I just don't feel free to leave until I attain some kind of achievement or success. something, anything that my family can hold on to, and be proud of.
something, one last pleasant memory so that my presence won't be forever tainted by my failings.
I just want to make it out there, somewhere. in any aspect, really. I don't even mind. just 1 pathetic achievement that someone can be proud of?
so that I won't be a useless investment that my parents have spend 18 years raising. bad investment. just like stocks.
the bad ones that you simply hold on to, in blind belief that someday they'll yield some returns, even if they're just bare, marginal returns.
but no, im one of those stocks that just keep sliding down the charts. just a series of constant losses. a utter waste of resources, that could have been directed to somewhere else, somewhere better.

and bather part of me just wants to prove very one wrong. that there's something more to me than a never ending series of failures and mediocrity. some days I've thought of just shutting myself from the world, and just doing one thing, getting to the top. so that one day when I finally do reach something, I can finally leave here in peace. instead of leaving everyone else here in shame.

and the last thing? the last thing keeping me here? I have too many secrets. things that I've written down once upon a time, things that I've once thought of, little mementos of moments. these things I want to take with me forever. hide them from the world, of the living. except there's always a nagging doubt that I will miss something out. that I will forget, and somebody, someday will discover all these shameless secrets.
to tell the truth, some of them I can't even remember what they are. but there's jut this pervasive paranoia that somebody will see. whatever these things are.

wow.

oh and I guess I just want to die elegantly. so that at least their last memory of me won't b graphic and horrible.

that's it. simple.

now? no I'm not contemplating it yet.
not until I clear everything above.
but let's just nurse that idea, and keep it within the depths of our heart.


I was thinking ODing sounds like a good plan. or a good old fashion crimson line down my arm? carbon monoxide? or maybe a combination of 1 and 2?
yknow, just in case.
and the dress, it's got to be white. or a pale peaceful, calming creme.

it's just a deep sleep, into dream land, into some place better. peace. and tranquility. where we don't have to fight so hard against the world all the time.
and maybe I want it to be white, cause I'll never be a bride. I'll never be your bride. humour my fancies. let me leave, pretending. if only just for a day.

I guess that would be my only regret, not feeling your hands around me, (around my waist preferably) in the gesture of ownership. or the comforting weight of a metallic band round my fingers, a simple statement that I'm yours, and your's alone.
it just feels nice to know that someone wants you for once, for a change. that out of the millions of people in this world, there's someone who at least realised that you were there. that you exist. doesn't matter if you dont stick to this choice, but just knowing that once, somebody decided to choose me, (even if its only for a moment) already means so much.

you're all free to live your own lives.
forget that I ever existed.

comments

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities ... 
because it is the quality that guarantees all others.


Courage, is believing in something, 
greater, and more deeply than your own innate fears. 
and then choosing to act upon it. 

it's your own belief and passion triumphing your own fears. 

Courage is the most important of the virtues,
because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. 
You can practice any virtue erratically, 
but nothing consistently without courage.

sometimes we may falter, but let's pick ourselves up and press on.
till we breathe our last breath, this journey is not over.
it's never too late. look forward, and let's rise again. 

for one day, each of us will triumph, in our own way. 

hold on, and have faith. 
your dreams are worth fighting for.

but always, have the wisdom to know when it's irrational stubbornness, 
in insisting on persevering down a specific path,
and when it's a rightful battle waged in pursuit of something greater. 

when you're wrong, it too is courage to admit our mistakes
to bear the pain of loss, 
the bitterness mourning over the hours of effort that you've invested in it. 

but for things that truly are worth fighting for, 
stand up for it, face up to the obstacles that life may throw at you
there's bound to people, even the people closest to you,
who may discourage you from this path. 
no it's not out of malicious ill-intent,
they're doing it out of genuine goodwill, 
just that we're all different, with differing perceptions. 
and perhaps it's just out of a natural human reaction against change. 

whatever comes, just know that if you've been given this life, 
because some one somewhere, god*, perhaps. 
truly believes that you're strong enough to live it.

if you're strong enough to die, to relinquish your right to something as precious as life, 
then you are also strong enough to live it, to meet whatever has been thrown at you with the same courage needed to die. 

if you can decide to give up, then you have the same tenacity to try again. 
if you have the intellect to lie your way out of something, to come up with 101 excuses not to do something
then you have the same intelligence to think of a solution to your problems. 

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. 
there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
but the most important thing is, even if we're apart..i'll always be with you.

we all have our own inspirations which we draw strength from, some times these inspirations are plucked from us, transpiring into a sense of utter emptiness. perhaps you're feeling as though there really isn't anything left to push you on. we're feeling weak, at a loss, aimless, just drifting. incapacitated by our own inabilities  and the our own insignificance contrasted against this vast world, but nothing, no one can ever wrench away the flame of hope, and the inner strength buried deep within your heart. and be it life, or death, or a thousand miles of distance, it'll always be with you. and they will always be in your heart. even when your memory starts to fail you, know that it's not the tangibles that make them real. it's the mere fact of having experienced it, and rest assured that it'll always be with you. even if you can't remember the details of their faces it's probably still in your consciousness. 


dear,you're the helm of my ship. 
lets sail through the seas together. 

comments

this is just a blank space.
detailing my rambling thoughts.
nothing special, or extraordinary.
my struggles at being normal.
no not being normal, but just less erratic.
maybe a small part of me doesn't want to be normal
what is normal anyway?
who defines it anyways.
it changes, with each passing century.

neither do i want to be different.
non-conformity.
ironical isn't it?
how for two years i've struggled to lay claim on my own "individuality"
in defiance of everything "conventional"
it's merely the anti-thesis of the norm.
and at the end of the day, we're still running circles,
caught in the loop of mass culture,trapped.
still bounded by the definition of convention.

except only that we are now defining ourselves that is in opposition of the norm
but at the end of the day,
we've only lost ourselves in the fight
a useless, pointless, meaningless fight.
rebelling only for the mere sake of rebellion

we've only exhausted ourselves further,
still bound by society.

no, i want to live in acceptance.
i am my own self, my own being.

let's end our own struggle with identity.
we are who we are. and that's all there is to it.

so what if i'm not that misunderstood lone sheep
immersing in my own world of deep, foreign films and philosophizing over cult classics.

i still love my indie bands,
their unique tunes, the bursts of creativity.
i get lost in my own worlds of imagination.
my greatest hobby is still a nerdy obsession with reading novels.
preferably classics. (oh and self helpbooks and memoirs)
great works that wrench at your soul.
the ones that somehow manage to capture the essence of the human soul
always relevant, regardless of time, age or the centuries passed.
ellen page, audrey tautou, will always remain as some of my favourite stars, rather than megan fox or angelina jolie
i'll remember kristen stewart best for Speak, rather than for twilight.
but somedays, i bob my head to mainstream pop
i still squeal like an idiot, sniffling over romantic chick flicks, tissue in hand.
i shop at conventional malls, leap at bargain bins
and guess what, i'm not ashamed to admit it.
i'm just human.

and my tastes and prefernces do not define me.
it doesn't make me any less indie, or less of a "true" hipster
nor does it make my any more "normal" or conventional

i feel old, taking on this outlook towards life
maybe i'm being a coward, choosing to live in acceptance
rather than to fight, and attempt to subdue life.
to "make my mark" in the halls of history.

or maybe i'm just tired of always struggling
fighting this tiresome battle.

serenity.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can,And the wisdom to know the difference.

it's a better way forward.
i'll still fight for the ideals that i hold true to my heart.
one day, when i least expected it.
somebody asked me, questioned, and insisted on an answer.
what are the values that you hold dear?
squirming in my own seat,
feeling slightly indignant,
how can one summarise one's own ideals into a single value?
or even two values?

but if you had to, what would they be?

fairness. friendship.
don't even know how i came to this answer
perhaps i too, was a little surprised at my own answer.

now, looking back, i guess
on a subconcious level,
they are truly what i do believe in.

we only have our own allotted, finite number of years on this earth.
and of those, with each passing second,
our time in each specific moment, loaction, or state of life
likewise has an expiry date.

treasuring each friend you meet throughout life, also means honoring each moment you spend with them
and treating each friendship with it's due esteem
because you never know when they will just pass you by,
each flowing down the streams of our own lives.

and for those who are just aching to raise their voices in protest,
friendship encompasses more than just the typical definition of "friends"

family, are the friends that we are born with
the ones that we both love, but some times cant stand
the friends that grow with you. through the good times and the bad.

venturing out into the world, we meet other people in our lives
some that you just seem to click with
best friends. close friends. friends that you want to keep for the years to come.
and some friends that you just know. more distant ones, the ones that we call acquaintances.
but change your perspective, everyone has a good side in them
a side that you might just not have uncovered yet.
there's bound to a unifying quality.
afterall, we're all human. there's only so many emotions we can feel.
there's bound to be one that you share in common.
and in that aspect, no matter how "insignificant" or small,
we are all still friends.

even the strangers that we meet.
there's to much more that we can learn from the people around us.
should we open up our minds, and embrace everyone.

oh my where have i rambled on to.

comments

47. lose 5kg.

comments

i dont ever want to get pregnant.
i can't even stand periods.
Can you even begin to imagine what it feels like to have some thing inside you?
growing and moving. ugh.

to have this thing growing inside you.
feeling it kick and squirm and get bigger everyday.

this foreign, alien thing, inside your body.
it's not even mine.

yes i love you.
i would do it in a heartbeat.
sounds lovely doesn't it.
i'd love to carry your bloodline.
i really would. to be able to give you something that's entirely yours.
a miniature creation of you.
i want to be able to give you your own kids.
i know how you're such a family person.
it shows, from everything you do.
even from before i met you.

i hear it everyday in their casual jokes,
all in fun and jest.
i should be grateful shouldn't i?
how many guys are that settled and committed?

since the day we turned official, you've been telling me
we'll last.
will we?
we will?

the future stretches into infinity,
a million and one days.
or maybe even more.

we'll make it work.
promises, i don't doubt them.
you've always stuck to your word.

and we've danced around the topic more than once.

but there's just this gap
this vast, vague black hole
my mind just skips from wanting to be the perfect other half for you
and the concept of pregnancy.

never liked looking at the taut stretched stomach of pregnant women.
doesn't even feel real. it doesn't even look vaguely normal.
surely women arn't made to be like that.
what if say, one day, i fell.
would everything just split open,
into a gaping mess of blood, gore and whatever else.
it feels as though everything would just tear, from inside out.
skin, blood, bones and flesh.

have you ever heard of diastasis recti?
ugh. it's like your whole stomach muscles splitting into two.
just imagine. does that even sound remotely normal?

but it's just the thought of having something else that freaks me out to bits.
not that all these years of ED thoughts have helped
our morbid obsessions with purity, and sanctity of the human body.
don't like putting foreign foods into my body.
i've always eaten the same few things, when i'm outside.

and now to have an entirely foreign thing living,breathing and growing inside me?
i know biologically anyone would argue that they're the same ball of cells, growing from inside me.
that just sounds like a tumor.
not particularly tempting either.

illogical, i know.
maybe i'm being childish or immature.
but i just don't want to have one.

maybe if you forced me to,
or if you secretly switch my pills
if it just happens by accident, perhaps i'd be too chicken to back out.
maybe that might work.
cause abortion sounds equally repulsive.

having to look through all those videos
the clinical procedures. of how they crush the skull
and then slowly extract each tiny limb.
urgh.

and then there's the process of nursing that thing.
the sleepless nights filled with endless screaming.
you know i hate that dont you?
crying babies. their shrieks just piercing through the air
forcing themselves against your eardrums.
you cant even block them out.
the desperation and need.
it's almost confrontational. the helplessness.
like a never ending argument that you can't ever win.
no running away.

usually i would just give in, make peace. end it.
but how do you make peace with screaming infant
when all i want to do is to curl up in some corner, cover my ears
and wish myself away into another fantasy land. or at the very least, rock myself to sleep.
it's not even as though there's anything you can do to cease the crying.

what if you do something wrong, and upset the balance of some minute detail
and that affects the development of that child forever.
the things that you don't even know you did wrong.

fastforward.
what about the teenage years of angst.
some where inbetween i fell through the cracks.
unintentionally. i guess.
something went wrong. nobody saw. nobody knew either.
i lost a part of my childhood in a blur. grew up too fast, and saw too much of the dark side of life.
the thing with knowledge and experiences is that you can never un-know anything.
once registered into your consciousness, there's not rewind button.
no delete. erase. or forget.
no matter what you do, there's always going to be the instinctive reflex
it's just going to pop up into your mind when you least expect it.
pieces of your past.
and i don't ever want to put my children through that painful process.
ever.

instinctively when i look at food, no matter how many times i've tried to "recover" the first thing i can think about is good, bad, calorific or safe. i don't ever want my kids (should i even have any) to be haunted by things like this. i want them to look at food, to savour the taste. to eat when they are hungry and to stop when they're full. to love wholesome healthy food because it's good for them, and not out of  the fear of eating something "bad" i want them to even some times indulge in the occasional sweet treat. 

19 is pretty young. but 20 is round the corner.
and soon the years will blur into each other.
and i just really wanted to get this out.



dear, what would you ever think of me if you found this?




what do you think of adoption? but i want to have your children. 
yours and yours alone.  i want these miniature versions of you to be running about the house. 

i want to watch them grow. i want to give them the nurture and the security of a loving environment that i never got to experience. i want to walk down supermarket aisle with you, holding hands. i want to show them what love feels like. i want them to believe, in fairy tales, that still exist within the our drab society. i want to go on family outings. i want to teach them humility, i want to grow their self esteem, to nurture their self confidence. i want to show them what empathy and compassion means. i want to help them establish their own self discipline. i want to open their minds, for them to grow in an environment of curiosity and creativity. i want to teach them the value of thrift, yet show them the value of money. how it can bring both despair and happiness. how we can create our own moments and define success. how to be content and always grateful. how to fall, to laugh at our own mistakes and then to pick ourselves up again. a little bruised, but stronger and wiser than before. i want equip them with the courage to dream. i want them to learn to appreciate every little thing in life. i want them to be chivalrous gentlemen, and elegant, poised ladies. i want so much for them. don't think i can even achieve half the things on this list. 

not to mention there's still the problem of procuring these kids. given that i'm not particularly inclined to the idea of pregnancy. 

what do you think of surrogates? man, i'd be really tempted to consider.
or maybe you should really just trick me into it. 
until it's too late for me to back out. 

this whole post is warped. 




 i want to raise my hand, to volunteer at all those zoo shows, you know, the ones where you go up on stage and participate to pat some animal or something. to show them that it's alright to stand out, to have the courage to try something new or different if you really want to . to jump at opportunities. my parents always pushed me from behind. go up. why don't you raise your hand to volunteer? and all along, i wanted to. just that i never had the guts. if we ever have kids, i want to lead and teach by example. like how you've always done so with me. how your calm composure never fails to soothe my crazy episodes of freaking out over the tiniest things. i want to rush up there in eagerness, to show them, there's no need to fear public situations. 

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i used to be so much more.
didn't we all?

until one of our clogs fell out of place.
it was always loose i guess.

only that we never realised it.
clattering inside us, something felt wrong.

some days i wish i could just rewind time,
to the precise moment where it all started.

to pull out that plug.

it's not normal. i just wish i could unthink all these thoughts.

White rice: carbs and fibre. high glycemic index.
not worth the calories.

Vegetables: fibre. stir fried. dubious source. potential for excessive amounts of oil to have been added.
pick through the stalks. pause for closer examination. bright sheen. better not.
not worth the risk.

Meat: protein. dubious source. scrutinise. decide that there's probably a whole ton of sneaky bits of fat hiding inside. skip. next course.

Soup: cream based? broth? quick calculation of the calories. peer over at my lunch mates.
weigh in the likelihood of them exclaiming and making a fuss over my lunch choices. not worth the hassle.
decide to get some soup.

wish i could just order something normal for once.


i know you don't like it when i constantly pick at my food. 
i'm sorry. i'm trying to change. 

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can i please dig a hole and disappear? thanks. 

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