this body is not yours.
keep it beautiful,perfect, thin, for him

for god has graced you with it.
and now he has again graced you with someone willing to love you, in spite of it.
treasure what you have been given. in gratitude.
with love. keep it pure, in its sanctity.

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i would pull you into my arms,
if i was prettier.


unfortunately i'm not.
i'm glad to have you as a classmate, friend, acquaintance.

wish you would reach out, and hold me instead
wash away those fears and insecurities.

love how you stand up and shoulder everything thrown your way
the way that you always try to give your best
your quiet determination
the little quirks that you have

i love how you love stuff.
how you're honest about your passions
how, you're willing to chase something different
and of your tolerance
how you always put others first
of the sensitive side you keep within you

i love how i can be honest with you,
how you never judge

____________

i love how you make faces at me
those half grins, never fail to make my day

how you make those funny, lame, outrageous jokes
and how you would care to sit and listen

i'm glad to have met both of you

_____________

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did you actually believe,in those lies.

that it was enough. that being nice on the inside could compensate for being ugly. how old are you? 3? fairytales grew extinct ended a long time ago.
the only thing they could vaguely conjure up about you was that you have skinny legs. wow. thanks for the complement. when it's not even true now. they used to be actually skinny. but that's the only thing nice about you. aint it.
being skinny. and if you;re not even skinny now, then what are you? 100%ugly.
why do i look us ugly? i wish.wishwishwish. that i just wouldnt have to look so horrible. i would trade almost anything. maybe even half my life. if i could look decent, for those short years than to live it looking like a monster.
quit lying to yourself. as if you ever had a chance. there is no cure for ugliness.
nothing you do can ever compensate the ugliness. look. open up your eyes.
there are people who are unpolished gems. people who have the facial structure and proportions to look pretty. they just need to change their haircut. they are beautiful, even if society doesn't know how to look. and see their beauty. they are the ones who have potential to be pretty. there are also those who are already gorgeous. and there is you. dismal dumpty and ugly. it's in your whole face. it's just ugly. no matter what angle you look at it, its still horrendously ugly. jarring. even down to the bones, they are marred, malformed. the shape,  the lines are just wrong. uglyuglyugly.
please, god. somebody. anybody.

some days i look so awful i wish i could run my nails down my face and claw everything away.

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there's always something about separations that exudes into the air
and seeps, straight into your pores.
it just hangs, in the air. the gentle reek of melancholy
that you can never really get rid of
the absolute powerlessness we have
in the face of goodbyes

i don't ever want to leave
and i don't ever want you to either.
the friendships we've made
that unspoken connection, unbreakable
as we smiled, and forced our way through language barriers
and the gaping berth of time and age.
through the half understood words of conversation
we didn't need to understand
for our talk was not in the words of our speech

it was the genuineness, and trust
when you poured out your life stories,
the ones that the pains of reality would never have allowed you to voice
the little defining titbits of triviality that define us
the silent secrets that we keep, to ourselves
the things that we cannot tell, not even to the ones closest to us,
because if we did, if we did tell, it would hurt them
and so we keep our burdens, buried deep in our heart.

there comes a time,perhaps, when we grow old
when we finally experience true wisdom,
when we want someone there to listen
to hear our life stories
to hear our secrets so that we don't have to take them to our graves
there comes a time when loneliness creeps up upon us,
and the inevitability of _______ looms
and we just want to know that there's at least someone else who knows, and cares
and that when we leave, we are not wiped from existence.


when you learn to see the insecurities and the pains of others
their unspoken pain, their hidden woes, and everything they've gone through
the suffering that they keep from everyone else.
the burdens that they carry alone.

they become all the more ______________. i dont have the words to capture this feeling.

but what defines someone, is not what they show.
it's not what they say. it's what they keep in their silence.

and you can never truly understand someone until you are able to listen to the story of their silence. it's there, sitting quietly in between the lines, in the conversations we have, the everyday conversations of our life. it's in the vague answers that we dismiss without a second thought. it's behind the quirks, and the smiles.

i dont know what this post is for. just needed to get the feeling out.

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