Thursday, May 16, 2013
how i ever slipped down this worm hole,
this one way tunnel to
i have no idea.
maybe i do. or maybe it was just a subtle sneaky process that i didn't even realise that it was happening .
or maybe i just let it happened.
or maybe, normal was such a long time ago that now,i've simply forgotten.
we are not stick figures, mannequins made with steel hearts and iron wills.
more often that not we're made out of furtive cookie crumbs, empty icecream cartons with a sad, sorry ice cube for a heart.
always cold inside. weepy, drippy thingies.
alone.
we are walking, talking cardiac failures just waiting to happen.
professional liars and illusionists.
alot of people have the misconception that anorexics or disordered individuals dont binge. that we keep a permanently strict diet. i wish. most of the time in the dark or when no one else is around we slip, and the mask falls. we gorge ourselves like ravenous pudgy little kids set free in the candy store. feasting until our oesophagus ruptures or until we given in and collapse on the floor in shame.
we must be strong. stronger.
more often that not eating disorders are a cycle of binging and purging. binging. purging. restriction. intensive workouts. sleep. hibernation. repeat.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
*first up apologies for all these sappy posts. i promise this is the last post*
i told you that i'd start, and we'd do it together.
didnt think you'd remember. and i guess even the lazy half of me wanted to forget.
but i'm glad you didn't
that you're holding me to my promises.
and i feel so psyched to start.
when you come out you're going to see a better me.
45. and fitter.
i promise.
it's almost 2 am in the morning.
and i'm just sitting here.
missing you to bits.
surreptitiously looking through our old skype photos.
(because yes, the computer is right smack in the middle of the living room with a giant ass screen)
spent the whole morning trying to sleep the emptiness away.
yeah. i'm a wuss.
you're just only going to be gone for 3 months. what am i even whinning about.
we're stronger than these 1 minute phone calls.
i miss you.
so much.
but this distance is going to keep us strong.
even stronger than before.
and i'm going to hold myself to the promise we made.
once you're in camp i'm going to start training together with you.
unfortunately i'm self destructive.
on a totally unrelated note,
maybe i should swap to tumblr. gosh. so many pretty photos and qoutes.