a little piece of my heart
a little piece of my mind

Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.

i think i've changed.
how much? i don't know.
how much more?
i don't know either.

sometimes even without me knowing, i've changed andmorphed into something else.

we need to spend more time looking forwards, and not back.
those days of glory that we threw away with a single bad decision
with a series of microdecisions that led to our excrutiating downfall.

but we lived.

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good days and bad days.
put everything into perspective.

on a side note.
i absolutely hate hate hate it when other people peer over my shoulder to look at what i'm doing over the internet. especially when my snooping parents do it.

i've crashed pretty hard sometimes.
but could you have some respect for my priveacy?
thanks.

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maybe if i write it down, in ink and paper.
(fine, in text/pixels on a computer)
then i'd get it done.

instead of fasting then binging then fasting again.


In General:

1) get some chewing gum
2) 2 litres of water everyday.

Diet:

Breakfast:
1 egg + 1 pack of milk for breakfast. (70 + 150 = 220 cals)

Lunch:
if i'm coming back home early
1 papaya (50 cals)
OR
if i'm staying in school late
1 tofu + veg + 1 tomato + 1 nugget and water based soup.
(70 + 50 + 50 + 90 + 20 = 280 cals)

Dinner:
if i'm got back home early
1/2 a plate of whatever there is for dinner (< 500cals)
OR
if stayed in school late
chicken/salmon + watermelon! (or whatever fruit i can find)
(120+100 cals = 220 cals)

Extra Snacks ( <200 cals each) : Max of 2 per day
Coffee with milk
3-7 Gummy bears
1 chocolate oatmeal biscuit
1 slice of cheese
1 fruit
2 glasses of fruit juice
1 glass of soy milk/chocolate milk
1 serving of jello
1 cucumber/broccoli

Exercise:

Training on Wednesday, Fridays and Saturdays


On days with no training,
Minimum of  50 Pushups
                     50 Abs stuff
rests are allowed in between each set of 10.

On good days, i will try to increase it to 100 each :)

+ a 5km run if i have time during the week


Total Calories per day:

-------------------------------------
Max per day: 220 + 50 + 500 + 400 = 1170 (coming home early)
Max per day: 220 + 280 + 220 + 400 = 1120 (staying in school)

----------------------------------------
Average per day: 220 + 280 + 170 = 670
(breakfast + lunch in school + 2 small snacks)

----------------------------------------
Good days: 30 + 50 + 200 = 300
(eggwhite + papaya + 1 snack/coffee/soymilk/milk)

----------------------------------------


Max per day: refers to the maximum number of calories i will/can consume (if all things go wrong)
Average per day: referes to the amount of calories i aim to eat on a average day
Good days: obviously refer to good days where i consume less calories :)

yes, the calories that i'm taking in is definitely on the high side.
this is because i'm not exactly ready to dive into full recovery yet, but at the same time,
i've experienced enough side effects from my horrible ED habits to plunge back into my dangerous habits from before.

i don't know where this is going to head, and where it's going to lead me. i'm striving towards keeping fit this time. and yes, dropping pounds. guess i'm still never going to get away from the ageless need to lose. but this time at least i'm going to try to place fitness above losing weight.

i'm hovering between recovery and keeping my ED beside me sort of like a safety blanket.
and so even on good days i AM going to eat (300 cals)

though i really feel the temptation to do a fast along the way.

_______________________________
so in summary, the plan is to stick to 2L of water each day, training 2-3 times a week, and eat < 900 cals a day and get at least 3 hours of hardcore studying done!
RAHH!

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scared.
death is so much scarier when you start to realise that it's not that you might die.
but that your actions are slowly killing the people around you.
the stress of dealing with me and all my problems

the stress and the worry, it's sapping their life away.
bad habits, creeping up upon their tired, fragmented bodies
seeping through their minds.
subversive, as the stream ebbs and sands away the banks of the creek
one day this dam will over flow

try harder.

-------------------------------------
on a side note,

i was up to 53.5 (118lbs.) it was too dangerously close to 120.
now i'm back down to 52.5 which is 116 lbs again.
but the holidays are here, and i hope  want will get back down to 99 lbs / 45
1-2 kg per week for the first 3 weeks and then 1-0.5 kg per week for the next 3 weeks.
and then i'll see how things go.

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i choose to believe.
in life, in the world, in miracles and in myself.

i am glad for those times when i fell off the band wagon, contemplated how far more i could sink, and then turned the other way.

''Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.''

Christopher Robin to Pooh

this year, i guess what's important is that sometimes, you've just got to remember that there's still something else in you buried inside. you've just got to believe, and trust in yourself.

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i'm tired.
i really am.
i want to stop. this tedious heart.

i'm dying.
a bit, everyday.

no not mentally, but physically. my heart is dying.
i can hear it skip it's beat.
i feel sick and nauseous every morning.
a friend of mine that i haven't talked to for a while came up to me yesterday and told me i wasn't walking straight.

tomorrow i am going to buy sleeping pills and dissolve,
into peace, even if it's just for a while.

by the way on a side note,
i am one day going to regret ever posting this.
but i used to, and still do have an immense fear of dying in ugly awkward/weird underwear.

imagine strangers, policemen, coroners,
staring at your body, looking and commenting,
it just creeps me out.

and i have this equally great fear of dying ugly and fat.
imagine the amount of repulse for someone to have to handle an ugly fat dead body.
as if it wasn't enough of an annoyance for me to die and leave behind a cumbersome shell of a lump of flesh. oh hey look. it's a lump of fat ugly cellulite, blubber covered lump of flesh.

oh and fear three: all the people bullshitting about "good stuff" about me, when i'm positive once the funeral is over, they'd be rattling off like a chipmunk on drugs about what a huge failure i've been. and all my disgusting, pathetic faults.

wow. that sounded stupid.
summed up in < 140 characters:
but i am just sick and tired of everything right now.

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funny how addicts try to heal others more than they can ever heal themselves.
and you hope with genuine love that tyour pals will get better, smile brighter, be happier
you believe, from the bottom of your heart. or at least you will it to believe
that one day they will recover. they will be free.
all the while, sure, that you yourself are condemned man.
with no way out, no hope left. options gone.

i just want you to love me back the way i love you.
fucking idiot.

some how the wolrd just ain't that rosy
in the midst of "normal" people
so consumed with the meaningless trivialities of life
that they forgot, and pushed away.
the things that matter, the things that ruminate in our heads
and keep us awake at night while
like addicts hooked on cocaine,
we devour and expunge again.

curled upon the kitchen floor,
the little things that haunt us in our days
they would never understand
the intricacies of our world,
where one world can have million meanings
said by different people, in a different tone

we are not the ones who got dealt a bad card in life
we were the ones who bothered to look, at that card
fools who choose to feel emotions, and to think

we were playing the wrong game.
we thought too much, and fucked our minds up

wasn't supposed to analyse the game. but we did.
(too much)

other people learnt how to forget, and to get over it.

we just never did
and those things, they just lingered in the background
haunting us in our actions, a ghost of what we used to be
and they metastasised

so we had to find our own drugs to drown that fear.
and the thoughts that raced through our heads.

gathered up our weapons
and headed to war.

some of us took up our x-acto blades,
pitchforks of safety pins. undistilled vodka, straight up
and cigarettes that we puffed our lives away.
benzoylmethylecgonine. and thin air. caffeine pills and chocolate bars.

we would fight our demons with these makeshift weapons we had, scavenged from the dumpsters of consumerism.
with our lives, we fought to save ourselves
no holds barred once you transpire into this war
breathe, your last breath.

we believed for a minute,
no longer,that we could win
wrong methods, wrong wars,
a futile battle. our addictions nurtured and grown from defeat.

paint on our faces.
and the scares yesteryears that we bear
medals, milestones of how far we have come
and grown from the child we used to be

one day, we will learn to wear these badges, with honour.
these labels will peel, and only what we know in our hearts will matter.

be gone, society.
(for) i am real
even on my own.

and so are you.
my brothers and sisters.
today, we go to war.

to fight the real war inside.
this time we are armed with experience
and the proper tools.

we will not let them drug us into another corridor of never ending white halogen lights


i just want to feel that same feeling,
when we flopped on our bellies
and talked, on a lazy sunday afternoon
and our plain existence sufficed.

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do you want to get better?
what is better?

can't sleep.
i've been tasting these weird metallic tinge every morning, coupled with palpitations.
go that jittery feeling. nauseating, sick.
and feet are always cold. and i've gotten into this habit of scalding baths.
they'd be fine if it wasn't for the frequency and the sort of compulsive,addictive nature of it.
started off as 1, then 2, now 3 and on non-school days, 4, or as many as i can sneak in without anyone calling me out. feels numb
the depravity of the human spirit. our crude thrill seeking ways, of perversity.
scares me abit sometimes. until i realise that i'm part of this generation, as much as i try to shun and ignore this fact. truth is i'm not much better.
in trying to escape the system, i have fallen right back into it's grasps.
worse still, i have failed in it's eyes.

tired. but that's a good thing right?
missing those worry free sleeps, even if they are dreamless and monotonous.

in a fat chubby unicorn we found peace.

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screw ups.
that no amount of self delusion can obscure.
disappointments, and expectations.

it's easy to put on a brave front,
when your heart is bleeding inside.
every pump, leaking a crimson tide

holding our breath wont help.
not anymore.

drowning in our own skin.

i think i'm just wasting everybody's time and efforts on me,
it's easier to put on a smile and tell everyone that everything is okay.
but it's not. they can see it.
this flimsy screen of lies.

funny how we can joke about everything together
but that the end of the day, the only joke, is the one that's on me

i want to pack my bags and leave this clinical, unfeeling place.
unconnected. drifting.

imbecile. stop being mediocre.
i want to stop being a failure.

(please?)

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