i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be ok. i'm tired of fighting all these feelings inside. and the novocain has long since stopped working.


someone to teach me how to live again.

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crazy. yeah i realised.
we border on the edge of insanity
perpetually.

somewhere we lost ourselves.
or maybe it was there all along?

do we develop them? or are we born with it?
a natural predisposition to be thoroughly f***ed up in the head?
a genetic entitlement to be crazy.

funny how we burst up laughing,
in desperation. almost like a scream really.
tears threatening to leak

choppy thoughts.
Non sequitor.

get it out of my head
disjointed.

dancing, barefoot,
toeing the line of sanity
we teeter. keep it.

never really there,
but never really not.


i'm feeling horribly sick right now. But i guess we're not supposed to think this way you see, negative thoughts bring negativity. change your mentality. what you should be saying is, right now i'm feeling a little bit off, but with a glass of water i'm sure i'll be just fine.

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oh -bleep-
my eyes feel like they could literally drop out of their sockets.
my head's bursting
and it's all really nobody's fault but my own.

i just freaking need to get through tonight ok?
and then everything will be a little better.

i'm so pissed at i don't even know what.
it's a sense of helplessness

mixed with a small voice taunting you,
telling you that you CAN do something about it,
except you're not doing it.

and you know what, it isnt even true.

yeah heck i'm speaking in riddles that even i don't understand.
now i really need to take my giganta tablet of biomega fish oil and hope that it'll work it's wonders.

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there's so much that I've forgotten.
like the way i used to be able to laugh and giggle thoughtlessly along with you
or the times when my smiles used to be genuine, and i used to speak what was really on my mind.

or when i used to peel off that weird sticky desert in layers, and love how the red layers were so bright. or when i stared into the sky with you, and felt content.

i miss the days when we ran through the corridors, together, and the knowing smiles we'd give each other. because it was simply given we would be each other's pair.

i miss how you'd tell me about things to fancy and far away, and how genuinely happy you were when i finally made into french classes. you told me about Tin Tin.

or how you entrusted me, and no one else with your precious book, when you got into a fight with your mom. and the roughly broken ice cream stick with a weird fish sticker on it. because one day, when i come back, we'd be able to match our sticks together.

or the time when we lay on our backs, with the lights off, just rambling of about life. and when we'd trade apples, my red ones for your green.

there's too much I've lost, and let go of. so even if it's just for today, we'll be strong. we've got to.

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we're just going to stick it through.
even though what i really want to do is to lie up in bed and curl up with a whole bunch of fluffy pillows. but at least I'm well equipped with LOADS of coffee. and not to mention Wrigley's Cool Wave Super Strong Mint.

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SHUT UP!

no really. please.
everything's too surreal to comprehend.

but what i really want to do is to scream.
my head off.

disjointed.

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tear me down.
or save me.

school starts in a little more than 50 more hours.
i have the whole holiday's worth of work still sitting there undone.

self destructive
procrastinator.

when did i become like this?

Step out of this vicious circle.
Let me go.

God, pray give me strength.

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i skipped class.
and ate chocolate.

we're in a total daze now.
i don't know what's happening
i feel like we're just spinning in space.
in a vortex, and we're not slowing down

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Posititvity:  My goal for this week. else i'd just die.

they're right behind, nipping at my heels now
they're catching up, if not tonight then today
creeping up like wisps of smog
encircling the moon


shrinking spaces
they're coming
closing in


too near,
by far,


for
me


my brother was watching the TV, some cartoon show and here's what i heard...

Mouse: We could get hold of the weed!
Duck: No, the weed's not strong enough for me

it made me laugh.

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oh my.
i just got this BRILLIANT idea off another blogger. 

Phototracking.

for both good days and bad days.
for good memories and bad.
for the me i was and the me i will be.
for the past, the present and the future.
for the times when i'll drift, when i've lost myself again

i shall take a picture of myself every 3 days or on days when i feel like i'm at my lowest, and days when i'm at my best. and maybe i'll tab it with my diet for that day too.

i won't promise to be uploading any of these anytime soon, but maybe one day i'll pluck up the courage to. at least after i sub 105 i will consider.

because i have this immense fear of mirrors and photos. i think this'll somehow motivate me :D


ANNDDD,  i'm going to pick up my old marathon goal.

*will elab more tomorrow*

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i love the lyrics

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feeling really lost today.
aimless. drifting around.
not empty, but hollow inside.

like a ship that lost it's bearing
or a kite without it's string
cliched, generic,
but thoroughly lost today

i need to find my old self back
along with everything else

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*don't know if i should take down some particular posts here :X*

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3 day fast.
Last 10 hours. it's fucking like euphoria.

For those of you haven't tried it, here's how it goes. it's like a mini review for every single fast or diet you try. the idea is to be credited to another lovely blogger whom i will try to find the link and post as soon as posible.

First days will start off great. you'll feel like all of life's pieces are finally falling into place. Sometime after your usual lunch time or around noon hunger might strike. it'll be bearable, you will or might think about food but will power and determination should get you through just fine.

Second days will start off with an insanely good empty feeling when you wake up in the morning. Stretch, feel good and surprise yourself. i dropped 2 pounds. which is pretty freaking amazing for 1 day. 

But after the morning, the whole afternoon will be horrid. hunger pangs will hit you in waves. it didn't help that i got into a fight with my parents and got cut off from everything. no computer, phone or TV for the whole effing day. to make things better i got the flu. it couldn't get any worse.

Third days are simply amazing. hunger completely leaves you. it doesn't even come to mind at all. hours will pass without you even knowing it.

it feels good. As ridiculous as it sounds I'm actually a little proud of myself.  Because it's the holidays now and so I'm at home alone. and home + food + me being alone = major binge/purge sessions. without fail. so considering that, I'm pretty happy :D

And just a tip, fasting on school days are much easier bcause there's a whole ton of stuff to distract you. i can usually go without eating for the whole day without even realising it on school days.

And also guess what, i haven't purged for the past 11 days! So after today i'd have made it 2 whole weeks purge free! though i think it's mostly out of fear than from determination. (i woke up one night with my teeth hurting D:)

stay strong.

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fucking pissed.
the only person you can depend on is yourself.

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school is filled with guessing games.

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i want to trace my fingers through the lines down your back.
the little metaphorical hills and valleys

today was much better. mayhaps sanity hasnt deserted me just yet.
i shan't write too much, cause i feel that if i do, i'll start questioning and thinking about things. so i'll leave you with a song to cheer your heart :D

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i would NEVER go out in the public in a bikini like that if i was that fat.
posing my arse off.

call me sore but babe i can see your fat rolls under the sun.
and so I'll pass on the fun and the life you stole from me.
I'll stay at home and work my skinny (well not yet, but will be) butt off.

take what you can, but i won't ever fail me.

one day I'll have the pretty hipbones that stick out,
one day, my clavicles will suffice, won't need your flashy gems
each line, obtained in perfection will be my ornament
like battle scars, only prettier.

i will be my own beauty.
won't need the false pretentious cover-ups
my will and determination will give me the shine no flashy camera can ever give you

vanity will rear it's ugly head
and we'll see who's left the victor.

fucking bitch.


*in case it's still not obvious enough, it's about a bunch of people who i used to hang with, but something happened.and i just saw something that triggered this.*

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hello. I've been off for a while, I've slid right down till I've hit rock bottom and I'm now back trying to get my life somewhat back into shape. been trying to find myself again, after the all the mind games with my ED and the lovely warped little mental experiments I've tried on myself. I'm sick of the binge cycles and the self destructive habits which that seemingly harmless little recovery session has done. it's horrid. when you have an eating disorder, and when it becomes your way of life, it's the only way, the only life you know. but then when you go into recovery, they try to show you that there are other things out there, that there are other ways to live your life. they show you their happy faces, the smiles, the joy, their carefree ways, where you can let it all go... slowly, like a child that doesn't know better, tempted by promises of that distant fairytale land, you start to believe. at first, just for a moment, a fleeting moment. the possibilities flood your mind. overwhelmed. but still, from within you a clearer voice, of sanity cries out and pulls you back. impossible. you listen, for a while. but the tantalising call of choosing otherwise and having all your worries, troubles and what not, banished forever persists. the thoughts creep back into your mind. maybe i could, maybe i could lead their way of life. and you start to believe. perhaps it would bring happiness, and change things. it did, for not the better but for the worse. you try. curiously, you peep and take your first step. and then guided by their soothing voices, the next, and then another. you walk towards your paved path to doom. for you can never live their lives. there were no crossroads down our path. all looped back to the start. left only too tired and with nought but our battered minds. and when you try to turn back to your original oblivion ways, the safe haven that has kept you thus far, you'll find you've lost your way. on a tangled web of highways, speeding too fast per hour. you struggle, screaming, trying to find the original order in your life. but every so often the mirage of the false paradise they've shown will come back to haunt you again. you grasp helplessly, despite yourself, despite everything that the years of experience have taught you. arms flailing, you wake up, realising there's only nothing in your hands but air.

i want my old life back.

and if you've never heard of dubstep, or Unicorn Kid, go take a listen. :D

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