Wednesday, March 31, 2010
my super ninja paparazzi and fans are here!
you just can't see them.
Monday, March 29, 2010
i've decided.
I'm going to learn how to say APPLE in all the languages of the world.
don't ask me why apples.
i have no idea why either.
maybe it's because i already know how to say it in french.
acutally it's one of the few words that i do/have managed to learn in french after the on and off lessons for 3+ years.
So starting off:
ENGLISH: Apple!
FRENCH: Pomme
ARABIC: Toffaha (1 apple) Toffah (many apples)
SPANISH: Manzana
there is no purpose in this.
okay, i guess it'll makesure that i wont starve to death should i ever get lost. but i bet i'll get pretty sick of apples.
blarh.
i think all i'm trying to do is to find something somewhat meaningful to fill up my life.
well, whatever goes.
anyways, i still think it'll be a pretty cool/fun thing to do.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
why wont you
touch me.
feel me
kill me
with your distant smiles
so faint i wouldnt even know it to be there
a half finished piece of crap;
to a lovely person who's always
too distant for me to know
and she'll probably tell me that the metering is all off
Oh and i just realised.
i'm so sorry i havent been updating about my diet.
it's gone down the drain for the past weekend.
and i'm too tired now to deal with it.
but i swear i'll post something about it tomorrow.
i have no idea what it is with my school and their fancy technological gizmos.
how much is the new data registering system going to cost?
probably a few thousand dollars, not to mention the follow up costs for repair and maintenance.
Why the heck would or should we get that crappy system anyway.
Is it really that hard to do a roll call for names?
PFFT. NO.
F***. Not every single student enrolled here is a freaking millionaire. What we need it the exposure and the opportunity to participate in educational programmes/activities/courses. Why not spend that money on improving the educational standards? (And maybe hire some more adequate teachers?!)
seriously.
i actually want to learn something by the end of my freaking four years here.
Why does every single thing around me seem like such a pointless superficial facade. i feel like all i'm doing everyday is to wake up, hurry through some unimportant little details, spend the rest of the 10 minutes i spend walking/running to the bus stop psyching myself into plastering a dumb smile on my face. And then the rest of the day just passes by with a hell lot of fake compliments which i dispense to random people, until they run out. Then i just go into my little shell with this semi-dazed and numbed feeling and drift through the rest of the day.
Not forgetting the pretty picture perfect little lies that i decorate myself with.
oh well, she's just another student, like the rest of the 500 ones out there. A bit plain, normal, average, but nonetheless good natured. supposedly.
i feel like one of those bouquets of flowers that circulate around out there in the
you know like how you have to send flowers just because.
and when you have to smile and greet and act all close and friendly with all these foreign people which you've never even met in your life, just because you do.
i feel so hollow inside.
like one of those fancy adverts you see that promises you a miracle.
100% guaranteed
and you just want and wish with all your heart that for once you could actually believe in them/it
but you can't
cause not a single word is true.
every one of them, those, perfect, neatly printed little lines are nothing but lies.
i think i've been crying an awful lot lately.
too much.
to be sane.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I'm a little annoyed.
Don’t tell me yes, you can get better/ recover. Cause I tried. I seriously tried. And all it did was to screw me up worse.
Just be glad that I’m still actually eating, and it hasn’t escalated/spiralled that far down yet. At least I’m still eating under 900-1000 calories a day.
wait till next week.
just stuff.
i feel like i've lost my grip on things.
like somehow i feel so detached from ana now.
which kind of freaks me out.
i can feel the stirings of it/her throughout different times of the day, but that closeness, that distinct power/drive that i used garner from it seems to have be somewhat diluted now.
i think last year really screwed me up.
i realised that i've never properly done a comprehensive list before...
ACCEPTABLE FOODS
milk
egg
raw vegetables
fruits
jelly
oatmeal
gum
mints
fruit candies
gummies
cornflakes
coffee
tea
juice
soymilk
2 cubes of <75% dark chocolate .
plain mlik biscuit (the kind where it's just made of milk + sugar + egg +water + flour)
frozen yogurt
soybean icecream
yogurt
soups
wholemeal bread
cheese (lowfat)
red bean buns
ham
salmon
SAFE FOODS
milk
egg
raw vegetables
fruits
jelly
oatmeal (self made)
gum
mints
fruit candies
gummies
cornflakes
coffee
tea
juice
soymilk
yogurt
FOODS I SHOULD NEVER FREAKING EAT:
Macdonalds.
exp. the Mcchicken and the double cheeseburger.
i used to love them. until one day i bought i really horrible tasting one.
which was partly due to the fact that it had never been good in the first place and the other thing could have been that with the relapses and all i think at that point my stomach couldnt really handle all that greasy-ness after surviving off nothing for the previous months/weeks.
Mos Burger
Same as above. plus the burger was kind of cold cause i could only eat it after my math classes. and without the ketchup masking the tastes, i realised that their cheese sucked and so did the bun and the meat patty. which just about made up the entire burger.
Oheya chips.
For reasons mentioned above. AND,
i've felt so friggin sick after eating it. Multiple times too.
that's all i can think of now...
oh and i'm going to try and get my pills + my vitamins + a little pill box thing today!
(will text the person later, hope she'll be able to get them for me!*
i feel disgusted.
i just ate a complete bowl of noodles.
and a whole packet of chips. oishi's oheya bbq chips. i thought i would try it and see if you know, if attempting to eat normally would actually make things better...
well apparently not. i should have known. since i already wasted more than half a year last year trying to get back to normalcy. needless to say it had spiralled into nothing but a total disaster.
no i didnt feel myself getting any better except to lose all my discipline and order in life. basically i just turned into a big fat slob. actually, a big fat, lazy slob.
i wasn't getting any of my school work done either. so much for that.
And now i'm stuck with all that freaking shit load of fats in me.
why in the heck of the world did i think that eating the crappy canteen food would help? it @#$*ing doesnt.
i feel like purging. now. URGH.
cept i'm still in school.
and it takes too damn freaking long to get home.
plus i think it's too late.
i just tried, and tasted nothing but acid, slightly tainted by the lingering taste of the oheya chips.
but i can still feel it. it's so horrible.
and repulsive.
the horrid feeling of heaviness is weighing me down.
i feel like a sack of cement.
on the bright side, at least it'll wean me off the noddles and the chips.
i swear i'll never touch any of them till hopefully forever.
sighs. though i wonder if i'll follow through for the oheya chips though...
i used to have such a huge thing for them.
despite the fact that i've gotten quite sick eating them on multiple occasions.
god, don't i ever learn.
oheya chips=me being sick=bad=DONT EVER EAT IT AGAIN
you know what, i'm actually going to really try to not eat oheya chips again. ever.
it's going to go into my list of unsafe foods.
hopefully this wont offset the weight i've lost the past few days D:
i just got down to 50kg today morning.
on the slightly "kinder" scale. [ i have two, one always reads 1+ kg heavier than the other]
which makes me 110lbs!
sighs.
i WONT let these moments of weaknesses ruin me.
when i was 99 lbs everything was so perfect.
school was great.
i got everything done on time
i had an entire extremely close knit clique of friends
i managed to make it into one of the top 10 positions in a school running event.
plus i outran like 3 other girls who were on the school track team and trained 3 times a week.
my art was getting As and i actually enjoyed it.
i actually participated in school events.
and now i'm going to get that life back.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
II can feel my language skills slipping downwards.
See! Is that even grammatically correct?
urgh.
Well anyways, i'm finishing up my lit essay thing today.
i swear.
i'm 3/5 done already.
AND i FINALLY FINALLY finished this huge 5 page long essay yesterday night.
it took me from 1.45 all the way till 5.
with a minor 20-25 minute break in between.
and 2 sticks of Nescafe coffee powder
so phew.
it kind of feels good.
Now all i need to do is to get EVERYTHING ELSE done.
which is still a considerable amount.
and i have Math tomorrow night!
which means i only have today to rush out the majority of my owed/due work.
i feel screwed.
At least on the bright side, i've only eaten
>> 1 banana (105cals)
>> 250ml of milk (115cals)
>> 2 sticks of instant coffee mix. (180+ cals)
>> 2 mints (5 cals)
>> 1 egg. with alf the yoklk. (35 cals)
which brings it up to 440cals!
which is under 500!
i think i might end up eating more when i get back home.
so idk maybe i;ll total 700 today?
'
And i cannot wait for our quizzes/tests to be over so i can go on a full on fast!
without having to worry about me screwng up my memory/grades.
excercise for today>>
30 pushups!
50 situps!
20 reverse crunches!
skip 500 times!
which is pretty miserable.
i swear i'll go onto something more intensive by next week.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
i'm stress eating again.
and i just really really need to get EVERYTHING done and to get some sleep.
stuff not done = stress = major freakout = stress eating = major binge = FAT!
at least i walked/ran back home today. 3 bus stops!
which i guess is good?
oh and i just realised that i'm panting when i run.
which generally doesn't happen unless i'm sprinting.
hence the only other radical explanation must be that i'm getting badly out of shape.i need to start excercising soon!
*sorry for the crap language, and the lack of a properly construted post. i'm just drowning right now, under everything.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Intake:
Breakfast:
Nothing
Break:
1 hardboiled egg
After school:
1 FAKE! SMOO Icecream.
Back home:
1 bowl of fried rice
1.5 cups of milk
5 tbsp of pork floss
Later:
2 servings of watermelon
2 servings of some kind of fruit
1 cup of milk/juice/iced water
1 cup of coffee. (with the full works, but still low fat though)
(gosh i hate the new vendors. who by the way, just short-changed me $4 freaking bucks today. Happily, she mistook my five dollars for $2. and i didn’t even realise it until i got onto the bus which of course, was too late. Oh and i'm sorry, i veered off track again. Anyways, the main point is that they're selling FAKE variations of original products at outrageous prices. Like "Milo" which isn’t made from milo powder at all. Or rice crackers of an extremely dubious brand... The ice-cream was absolutely horrible and i have a sinking feeling that there's a whole ton of palm oil floating around in my stomach.
Worst still, my automated regurgitating/reflex thing kicked up. And i ended up regurgitating small mouthfuls of the disgusting mixture on the bus. Which says a lot since it usually only happens after a major binge or after some kind of extremely fattening food, or after something really gross. so thanks. a lot.
I swear i am not going to buy a single thing from there for the rest of this month. at least.
And i'm considering packing something like a huge bento for say 1 week to bring to school for sustenance. just so that i wont go into the starvation mode. which would offset everything. which is also why as anyone can see, my diet is relatively mild.
i'm guessing it to be roughly 900 to 1000 calories?
i think i can definetely do better than this. starting first by cutting out the SMOO icecream. which was about a 100 calories -.-
>>
And i just wanted to say thanks. to all my awesome teachers who have believed in me despite the awful person i am. especially ___________. whom i'd love to name. but at the moment its a little too risky to put up, since i'm not too pysched about having some nosy person i know in real life stumble upon this blog. all i can say is i'm going for her supp. classes tomorrow!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Repost from previous blogs:
i figured.
people don't take quizzes for the quizzes to tell them who they are. people take quizzes so that they can get reassured that their idea of who they are is correct, proven and valid.
i think.
i have been saying i think quite a lot these free days... i think.
ha and i said i have NOT I've.
i eat too much.
at home. i always end up eating too much. ALWAYS.
it's proven.
i seriously do eat too much. everyone tells XXXXX that SHE eats too much. i think i eat way more. (you just don't see it)
i wonder how much 3.5 liters of food is... imagine your stomach exploding... wow.
i finished:
1. normal dinner
2. 1 whole box of natural valley apple crisps
3. 1L of the sesame nutrisoy thing. (it really isnt as bad as ______ said)
4. 1 whole box of suiss chocolate bars
5. 3 oranges
6. 2 apples
7. egg! (for once the yolk was in one whole piece!)
8. 1 waffle thing
9. seaweed (crosses fingers. hopefully it'll work)
10. mcvities! ginger nuts! (when you dunk them in milk,it's easy to pretend that they're gingerbread cookies :D)
11. 1 bar of toblerone
12. Oheya
:O
convinced now?
Edit: am purging it OUT now.
Repost from previous blogs:
i can feel myself panting when i run. I'm like way too fat. it's like all these globs of just hanging and swinging around there whenever i run.
I'm getting really irritable sometimes.
breathe.
oh i got a really super uberish cool toothbrush. at least i brushed my teeth today...
You know actually our life can be really sweet simple and peaceful...
I mean if i sat down for like say two hours everyday and actually went around getting my homework done instead of letting it drag on forever, life can be pretty stress free and wonderful too.
Repost from previous blogs:
Go to a mental institution, go to the ward
for those who are seriously disturbed, and you'll see people who just sit and rock back and
forth all day, staring off into space, or screaming at nonexistant terrors. God has given
them more than they could handle, and now they're totally broken.
they're not broken. they're finally at peace. maybe it's even better than heaven. you get to live in your own world now. if heaven was just life on earth minus the "evil". maybe a mental institution would be way more tranquil... wont it?
it would wouldnt it.
i dont know god. what is heaven like? is it a safe haven where we can go to after it all ends. like an endless summer break after the exams?
is it a place to let us continue living our lives when when all the sand has finished flowing in this side of the earth? is it like us turning the hourglass over so that it can now flow the other way back?
endless sounds scary. why?
is suicide or mental disorders something weak willed people turn to when they cant face up to reality and the responsibilities and consequences that comes along with it?
or are they the few people who have finally gotten the peace they're always wanted.
should i be worrying about this? is this being philosophical? probably not though. i mean philosophers come up with a question and then they answer it ya? i dont. i wonder if i'll ever.
i only ask them. sometimes . well not sometimes. i just want the answer.
why cant i just be like other people who obsess over their idols and stuff like who's screwing who.
maybe ignorance WAS bliss. i wonder what's it really like to be like charlie...
i wonder...
i might even like it...
would i?
Repost from previous blogs:
just got into a fight with
don't make anyone or anything your everything. cause they could dissapear anytime anywhere.
i hear mom mumbling to gran. at least she has someone to mumble and grumble to. i wish i was one of those people who talked to bears and kitties. at least they stare back at you as though they're listening. but i'm not. sometimes i wonder if i grew up to quickly...
maybe i am losing my grip on life yah?
i wonder.
no. but we were
that wasnt childhood.
i tihnk i remember the fish puking in the toilets. the jam bread eating. the tv watching. the pencil shaped ice cream.
that was it.
right. but there's no point living in memories right?
especially when you dont even HAVE any memories to live in.
*maybe it was because i ate too much today.
i always eat too much once i start eating.
every time i do that, bad things happen.
always.*
i thought today was going to be one of those happy days though.
i saw shiqi + delwen + jiali + marie + nerice + joling + van at the bus stop. like wow. i dont ever see people i know/can talk to at the bus stop...
wowzers.
and meeling+amanda asked me if i wanted to go kap with them. it just feels good to kown that poeple actually know you exist and can be bothered with you. it's honouring really. (considering they're supposedly really popular-ish)
khffflt.
jah.
Repost from previous blogs:
miracles do happen. dont they? they do right?
i dont know. iti'll just sound more real if someone tells you that they do. doesnt it?
it does. doesnt it.
i'm going in circles. i like going around in circles. maybe squares too. and random jaggy lines.
wow. i wonder if there are pots of gold at the ends of rainbows. that sounds grammatically wrong though...
i wonder if you can walk on a rainbow if you go to heaven. i mean they always walk on clouds right? maybe you get to slide down on rainbows :D
that'd be fun.
i wonder if macbeth is right though...
you live. you worry. you smile. you have fun. you have work. you fail. you succeed. you grow old. you get more responsiblilities. you carry them out. you grow older. you get frail. you die. oh. and you die. you just die. and everything'll be over. finally? sadly? at last?
wow.
life.
it's amazing how some of the most complex things in life are shortened into some of the shortest words. like love. and life. and death.oh death has 5 letters.
got to go. and carry on with life.
ha. irony?