please.please.please.

just the 3 posts. let me,
give me some assurance.
please.

i'm begging (you),
i'm praying with all my heart.
please.please.please.

i'm giving up a piece of myself.
please.please.please.

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i wish i wasn't such a failure at everything.
today marks the 17th year that i have existed on this planet.
this vast planet of people.
what have i done that really matters?
what have i accomplished in these long 17 years?
i feel utterly useless, like i've wasted all my time away.
all these years of endless possibilities.
all the good times they've just slipped us by.

stop doing this.
change.change.change.
believe. believe. believe.


try harder.
and as loud as those cynical voices may be, turn away.
and disbelieve. unhear them.

so much to do.
then do them.
give your last fight today.
stay for one last stand. make it count.
believe, and hold on.

hope. hope. hope.
trust in it.
trust, and have faith the wishes do come true, and that hopes can become reality,
that dreams will lead you somewhere.

have faith.
i will give my best effort and yield myself to your hands.

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I’m just really tired.

I just want a break. I just want to sleep for a bit.
Or maybe for a while.

I just want to stop fighting for a while.

I just want to not have to fight ever minute every time, every day, every minute to survive.
I just want to stop having to gasp at every single breath just to hang on. Forever teetering on the edge.
Trying not to fall.

Maybe we should just let.
If only we could just let go.

Except this time it would be a legit reason, (perhaps)

Just a deep sleep till neverland, till the edge of the world.
Drifting on soft clouds of tranquility.


Won’t you just let me alone.

There’s no rest for the wicked. We’re all rotten beings at heart.
Save by the small random acts of kindness,
Tiny bursts of goodness that managed to slip through the hollows of our black tar hearts.

I really don’t know. I just feel sick and tired. And all I want is a break. But everything just keeps piling up, one after the other. And it just tires me. i slept only for a single afternoon and by the time I wake up there’s a whole new stash of stuff that I now need to finish, not to mention the long laundry list of stuff that I already owe.

My head hurts. My eyes can’t even see straight without me squinting hard, my brain feels woosy. And I can’t swallow shit with all my ulcers.

And the worse thing is I’ve already been giving damned near my all. I HAVE been on the balls of my feet, I’ve been trying. I’ve been doing things, I’ve tried to keep up, to read up ahead of lectures and class. To finish my due work before the deadline, but somehow everything manages to come crashing down.

I can’t afford to fall sick. But I am.
And for a minute I was almost glad. For a plausible reason to finally take a break. Boy! was I wrong. I wasn’t fast enough, even when I was running, chasing after everyone else’s pace of life.

stopping now.

It's just scary, watching everything accelerate by at such great speed. I’m lagging behind (again) and my past efforts have been given up in vain. For the past weeks, I’ve been giving my all, sprinting my heart out. But now it's failing me, and the gap is still widening.

And now that I’m sick I can’t just take a break, cause there’s so much to catch up upon.When will enough ever be enough?

Or maybe it’s just me. There’s no rest for the wicked, and wicked we are at heart. It’s not their fault it’s yours. It’s mine. It’s no one else’s but my own. Work harder you lazy pig. Push, and push through. Everything is passing me by so fast. I’m kind of scared.

Us and our cowardly (lies)
Petty misers, grasping on to life.
Hiding behind a higher calling of morality.
Truth be told we can’t do the deed.
Maybe it’s better if we all just got some sleep…
Like dolphins, and forget the conscious effort to keep gasping, to breathe.

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i think i might love you.
i think you're hot.
i think you're sort of special.
i think.

i know, we'll never work out.
i know, we're not even proper acquaintances.
i know i should stop living in dreams and fantasies.
i know that's it's never going to happen.

i wish though, i could turn back time.
assume more responsibility. and get my life straight.
i'm always on the edge struggling.
but i'm ok.

am i?
or is this just another illusion i'm upkeeping?
when is it going to crumble? to pieces again?

we're invincible beings,
breathe life into our hollow hearts.

sadness only lasts a fleeting moment,
but regret lasts forever.

we never even talk.


a last chance, don't give it up.
please. don't let it float away again.
don't let it slip through your fingers.
again.

screw ups.

we'll work our asses off for tomorrow.
for a future we can actually be proud of.
a future we can actually look forward to.

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personal post:it's more for myself. just a record of stuff i guess.

tentative. annoyed. hopeful.
staying optimistic.
believing.

disappointed.
angry. at myself.

looking forward.
trying.

it's working a bit at a time.
i hope it's enough.

trust.
trust in yourself.

i refuse to whine and moan.
i'm doing better in my games. i'm catching batter. i'm making more confident catches.
i'm sure of myself in my abilities. i'm getting my backhand throws.
i feel the flow. it's a fluid motion. it feels good. it feels slick.
it's like a golden trickle. a graceful motion. almost beautiful.

work a little harder for your studies ok?
math. get it up. more practice.

learn to understand the subjects.
get ahead of the subjects.

c'mon. you can. never give up.
believe.we will get there one step at a time.
just keep it up. improve. get better.
be better. trust in yourself.

心有多大，舞台就会有多大！

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
rambly stuff aside,

How Big are Your Dreams?

i means seriously, how big are your dreams? and are you chasing them?
are you giving your all to get there?
do you still remember the first time, when you looked up at the skies,
be it the fluffy white clouds that were floating by as you made your passing wish to grow up to be someone big? or the twinkling stars of the night sky as you looked out your window and wondered if you'd ever make it out there?

well what have you been doing all these years?
have you been following your dreams? have you been doing anything to get there?
or have you languished and let go of it? letting it die and slip through your fingers as everything else in life tried to claw you apart?

have you let society beat you down? have you bought into someone else's belief that you can't make it? that you're not good enough?

Because you are, and you can? don't ever loose track of your dreams?
worse still, never give up on them.
don't let that kid in you die. the kid that was fearless, the kid that had yet to hear the lies that society and everyone else feeds you. the kid who dreamed of of the stars, the moon and the universe.
the kid who believed, in a future. the kid who (still dared) to wish upon a star.

so what if we've gotten side tracked by all this crap that once used to drag us down and pull us into the murky depths of a faceless average.

we are all beautiful. we are all unique. and don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise.

we might have wasted a part of our lives on stuff that we aren't proud of.
we might have made mistakes. we might have let opportunities slip us by.

but we're not going to do that forever, till the end of our lives.

we are changing for the better. we are getting better.
we are learning from our past mistakes.

those years were and are the things that make us stronger, the things that make us appreciate life all the more. they are reminders, battle scars telling us to live life to the fullest. our imperfections only serve as avenues for us to better ourselves. our imperfections allow us to make ourselves all the more better.


treasure each day. fight to the end. give your all.
give your best effort. no regrets.

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fat.
disgusting.
procrastinator.

pig.
idiot.
failure.

repulsive.
revulsive.
REPENT.

stop talking.
stop wasting time.
stop pigging out.

start finishing your fucking work
start reading your damned notes.
start running and push ups.

useless waste of space.
useless waste of money.
useless waste of resources.

empty babble.
you'll never make it out there
if you don't try.

stop trying to hide in your little goldfish world
gluttonous, vain little creature
lolling about in an artificial bowl
fancying yourself in the glass walls
that hone you in and keep you in your delusions.

work harder.
give more.

try harder.
it's not enough yet.

work harder.
run more.  

try harder.
run faster.

work harder.
do more.

try harder,
you just might (make it)

work harder.
push yourself.

more.

try harder,
work more.

work harder.
try more.

push beyond.
more.

we need better.

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just finished my tests.

i wonder if anyone reads this, but if you do or are a follower, i just want to say:


i wonder how you guys got/came here. (tell me!)

cause i intentionally picked a not so obviously ED based/ED related name to avoid all the wanas that crowd the internet.

so kudos to you if you didn't just google proana and hopped on to read this blog.
i could have easily titled this, proana anamia blog or some crappy shit like that. but that would be utterly vile.

it sort of means alot to me, how we're all supposed to be picture perfect, plastic mannequins made for the sole purpose of being put up for display for everyone else's viewing pleasure and judegement.
how we're losing ourselves, we're just here to please the world.
just another pretty picture on the wall, just another pretty doll on the shelf.

and how we're always hiding behind this mask,
in half self denial.
cause one day we're going to die from this ED of self control that keeps us sane enough to survive in this concrete jungle called life.

and we're all just pretending to have a good time,
dancing with strangers that we'll never dare let into the darkest parts of our lives.

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