Friday, April 30, 2010
Ignorance: We're all living in it.
Uprisings: In dire need of
Brain cells: extremely rare
i feel sad.
about all the people in the world who are still suffering, and we're doing nothing about it.
Italian Meat Sauce
Serving Size: 8.4 oz
Calories 233 Calories from Fat 137
i just had loads of veggie with loads of spagetti sauce for dinner.
and 1 spoonful of wholemeal pasta.
it felt kind of healthy in an unhealthy way.
Mainly because pasta meat sauce is FILLED with fat and calories.
But compared to what i could have binged on i guess that was alright.
at least i ran a little today.
and YES! i am glad to say that i did the complete 200 situps yesterday.
and i'm down from 116 to 114!
Total Intake Today:
milk (150)
egg (20)
milk (130)
cornflakes (100)
2 teeny bits of a wafer (50)
mints (15)
meat sauce + veggies (357+100)
watermelon (150)
coffee (98)
Reflections:
Avoid cornflakes. and wafers. it's simple enough.
carbs + fats. i have nothing else to say. 100 freaking calories for something that isnt even woah-ish. NOT WORTH IT. and next time, RATION the meat sauce. i need to stop freaking eating like a pig.
just by cutting the meat sauce, corn flakes and the wafers, i could have saved more than 300 calories! and i'm so switching over back to the clorets mini mints. it's only 1-2 calories per mint :D
Intake Today:
-Egg white (17)
-Soymilk (130)
-Cheese bread (110)
-Toufu (150)
-Fish (200)
-Instant Coffee x2 (180)
-Watermelon (150)
OMG. Toufu is so full of fats. and urgh.
And yes, i ate something absolutely horrendous today. I'm not going to say what it is cause it makes things too obvious, and if anyone i know finds this i'll be screwed big time. Anyways, it's one of the things on the list, you'd be able to guess.
I'll do 200 sit ups later :D
and 15 leg lifts.
that's about 180 calories. plus i ran 3 bus stops today! (1.6km/ 1 mile) today. with my sadistically heavy bag. which according to the calculator is 80 calories burnt.
so i'm at 677 calories now :D
it's not bad :D (the voice in my head says i could do better)
BUT, considering i'm still in the middle of test week, which means that i can't really get around doing a proper workout routine and strict dieting.
and i'm not going to go under 500 because GRADES GRADES GRADES!!!
cant afford to screw them up this year. I want to graduate with something to freaking show off. alright?
whoo~
does anyone ever get such a feeling?
i have this particular thing about numbers.
for example i like 1,2,3,7,9,11,15, 21,23,27,57,73 ALOT.
5,13,17,31,32,33,45,51,52,67,89,91,92,93 are OK
4,6,24,26,30,38, 84, 94, are HORRID
some others are bearable.
and the thing is they don't seem to have any specific pattern either..
except for the fact that i seem to really hate the number four.
but i just cant stand them. when i do workouts or when i eat things, they have to be of the numbers i like. they just have to be. or else I'll get really anxious and annoyed and jittery. usually it doesn't happen too often because no matter what, I'll do anything to make sure it fits into of one of those numbers.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I'm going to look into getting my parents to let me move my laptop to my room.
where hopefully I'll workout whilst wasting my time online :D
It helps keep the demons away. ALL music does.
I'm scared. i live half my life scared.
today was sad-ish.
at least i ran. a little.
we've got heats the day after tomorrow i think
i wish we hadnt.
i think i should run more.
MOAR.
FAT PIG.
We were learning about utopia today.
in a perfect utopian world, no one would get fat.
i wish someone would just come over and hold me in their arms till the end of eternity.
(preferably in an air conditioned room? because it would be simply gross if we started sweating all over the place from the heat.)
why do i still delude myself into thinking the people actually care?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
LINK:
Brittany Murphy died of pneumonia, anemia and drug intoxication. Did anorexia play a part?
She was the one who played Tai from clueless. Somehow she reminds me of something, this vague feeling.
Is sad.
one day i'm going to find out what's wrong with my head.
i wonder sometimes if i was the one who made me dysfunctional
| it's a good guise you know being mental like an excuse for life and your failures the prettily framed, distinctly rectangular piece of paper straight edged, pointed corners 1:√2 so explicitly simple. unequivocal, affirmed almost exquisite printed in standard font Austere, Bourgeois, Constantine Arial 12. Double spaced. and bolded at the top absolute. boxed. contained. in their impeccable lines uniformly 2px all round our officially certified and approved right to be screwed. u p each (every)(effulgent) day Our prefectly foolproof lie. |
The thesaurus is filled with pretty words.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
HELLO.
i'm tired.
but today i;m going to turn this thing around.
it's a promise.
we're going to start over.
life is not going to slip by me.
updates later :D
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
LADY GAGA IS MY NEW INSPIRATION.
seriously i told EVERYONE (that would listen to me) that Lady Gaga lost weight. and nobody would believe me. everyone went like nah, they just stretched the pictures.
SHE IS SIMPLY AWESOME.
NUFF SAID.
i do get how people think she's all drama and hype, but i do love her works/what she wears/does/puts out there. there's a certain air that i love about it. (i must admit some of her outfits still make me cringe)
ANYWAYS, though i dont think she's skinny skinny, but her willpower in weight loss IS woah. (i had the right adjective in my head but somehow lost it)
Here's the before and after pics! (because i realised that i havent really been posting much pictures here)
BEFORE:
AFTER:
FOR MORE SCOOP
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
Monday, April 19, 2010
i'm really not even craving for anything now.
C just gave me a "talk" about stuff.
i think people are seriously starting to see through my pretty web of lies.
sooner or later right?
it was unsettling.
i feel insecure now.
though i think i've managed to put it all down to stress
and i made it sound as though i was still somewhat of the remenants of a perfect student.
Kind of.
She'll still cynical.
i know it.
like i wouldnt be able to see the doubt in your eyes.
Art classes was bearable today.
except D is right.
i've lost my passion.
we've all lost our passion. And ourselves.
We've got to right this feeling.
tomorrow's a brand new day.
Hear it, it's the winds of change.
i will not be a failure no more.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
INTAKE TODAY!
Egg white: 17
tomato: 23
Beef (stewed): 210
Fried Rice:190
Waffle: 320
Mango: 170
Total: 930
yay.
i'm proud. of myself.
because i resisted icecream!
i just really shouldn't have bought the waffle.
it wasnt worth the money nor was it worth the calories.
310 calories! O;
i'm going to run it off later.
it's disgusting.
if i hadnt eaten that or the leftover fried rice, i would have hit the under 500 mark!
D:
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
SKINNY FUND!
this is off someone elses awesome blog
i'll post the link when i find it :D
>>
20 cents for every ab/arm/thigh workout
30 cents for every 2.4km run
50 cents for every 3 km run
70 cents for every 5km run
70 cents in for every 30 minutes of exercise
50 cents for each day I eat less tha 1,000 calories
70 cents in if I eat 500 or less calories.
and i'm going to buy a pretty jar!
urgh. i'm feeling so bad about how i've been faring for the past few days...
anyways i just flipped through my dairy from a year back and this was what i used to eat...
>>
egg white.(small) 12
milk. 90
2 oranges. 105
watermelon. 48
1 bowl of mixed veg. 132
TOTAL: 387
Plus i'll run 3km in the morning and another 1 km to the bus stop.
And on alternate days,a minimum of 200 sit ups before i went to sleep.
which after the running was ALWAYS under 200-300 calories.
when my tests finish i'm going on a full on fast.
now i just want to get the rest of my life in order.
Dinner
egg white (17)
fried rice (750)
salmon (127)
cheese (41)
Tea
1 mango (127)
1 small persimon (90)
Supper
instant coffee (98)
milk (110)
watermelon (70)
Total:1430
i had no freaking idea fried rice had so many calories.
seriously.
750 O:
anyways if i have time i'm going to try weighing out 100g of fried rice. i'm not trusting my estimations anymore.
>>
Maintenance: 1615 Calories/day
Fat Loss: 1292 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss: 969 Calories/day
>>
Resting Calorie Requirements (for basic body function
such as breathing, digestion, before any activities):
Women's result: 1373
Sedentary Lifestyle: 1785
>>
Result: 1395.3.
In retrospect,
Next time, i am not going to have any more than a super small bowl (100g around 200 calories worth.) of fried rice in a week and neither am i ever going to touch persimon ever again. the calories are just not worth it. 90 freaking calories? i could have had 2 entire freaking apples. and fried rice has insane amount of calories. 750 O:
that could have made up my entire day's worth of calories.
sighs. i think i should just live in school.
it's so much safer.
i can usually go from 6am in the morning all the way to 7.30pm in the evening with 0 caloric intake/no food at all in school.
but when i come back home, everything is just one big horrible binge. coming home stresses me out. unless there's no one at home.
i wish everything would just go back to how they were before.
when i got my work done, did well in school and esp. for my lit classes. and ate next to nothing. AND, WAS SKINNY.
Now i'm just disgusted.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
i'm just wondering right, how do other people eat so much and not get fat.
And how the freaking hell do people keep under their allotted 1500 calories?
when i look at people eat, i get amazed every time.
when i watch people eat, sometimes i form this mental estimation of the number of calories of whatever their eating.
And their one meal would probably hit at least 700 calories. multiply that by two for dinner, and you'll get 1400
Add in breadkfast and you'll hit 1700 to say the least. plus little tibits here and there, it'll be 2000.
2000 freaking calories.
it's like twice the amount i consume.
how do they not get fat?
or is there something warped about the way i estimate my caloric intake.
but i'm going by an average of 2-3 different calorie charts!
urgh.
i hate this.
i'm slipping again.
no not that much in terms of food.
but more of my grip on life.
and i'm wasting time again.
but i guess i'll work through tonight, and hope for the best.
Inside us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she is too sedated with a few peices of chocolate cake.
i just had chocolate cake.
or was it coffee cake?
or was it mocca?
anyways, it was one of those weird cakes that my grandmother bought. i cant really even taste what it's supposed to be.
i have no idea why i ate it. but it seemed ok. (at least at that point of time.) well, i guess it was probably because i was originally contemplating buying bread.
oh. the horrors.
i don't even want to get started on bread.
It's nothing but carbs, carbs, fats and more fats.
i serious.
think about it.
Flour + Sugar + Butter + some fattening stuffing.
and for some weird resaon which i cannot figure out, the bakeries here seem to have this fetish for spraying all their breads with grease/oil, for the glossy look. And did i forget to mention the amount of mayo they put inside the breads?
gosh. i'm so glad i've weaned myself of it.
somehow i'm happy there arn't any great bakeries near my house.
>>
INTAKE FOR TODAY
Instant Coffee with water. (98 cals)
1 2 inch square of my friends birthday cake (170cals)
Clear oup with toufu and squid balls (290 cals)
Egg and tomatoes (190 cals)
Cake. (160 cals)
Melon (90 cals)
TOTAL 998
though this is like a super lenient guess.
my original estimate brought me up to 1700+ calories. which was freaking scary.
REFLECTIONS:
I should cut out the cake.
both cakes. i should have known better.
the coffee is still imperative though.
maybe i should start sourcing for a healthier version without that much sugar and creamer.
but dinner was good. and controlled.
and within limits. i'm proud of myself for that. :D
great job done.
NOTE: NEVER TOUCH CAKE. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
it just costed me 330 calories!
now i'm going to google excercises to burn that 320 calories off.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
http://lifestyle.xin.msn.com/en/beauty-fashion/photos.aspx?cp-documentid=3931215&page=1
i was looking through this and i after like around 5 pictures i was already asking myself, "is there a difference?" (i mean except for their faces)
i think there probably is.
ok there is. but it's only between the cuttings. and it's so freaking minor.
D:
and if it was a group of guys all standing together. i think i'd go blind trying to decipher the diff.
actually, i dont think id' even notice/bother noticing it.
Friday, April 9, 2010
i'm losing my grip. and it's making me sad.
i don't know why, but i'm just so tired all these days.
but my mind is like this whirring machine, that doesn't want to stop.
so i'm alert but tired and is dying off at the same time.
i'm screwing everything up.
and it's starting to show.
people know.
i swear they do.
at least they do now.
and i just realised i have no tomorrow morning.
all around me i hear all these voices, and they're all screaming at me to do something
do this
do that
you owe this
you owe that
there's still that you haven't done
and they're all pressing in.
closing up.
i think i've hit rock bottom
i hope there isn't any further down to go.
i'm going to turn this damn thing around.
today.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
if i wasnt so freaking screwed up in school
i would.
i would.
i really would.
yeah right.
who's going to believe my gilded/glib lies anymore?
i dont.
i wish i could make it all right again.
i'd work through the night.
i would.
wave your wand.
turn us back.
frog.
and us alone.
rewind.
back to the time when everything was all cheery and fine
even though it was only our well spun lies
i would.
save me.
now.
before we crumble.
to dust.
if. we could.
if we would.
but can we?
isnt it all too late?
our web has melted.
into a bubbling mess of goo
too slick
clammy
agglutinating
adhesive
mucilaginous
and all too close to my skin.
swamped.
angel.
lift me up.
when will we rise from our ashes
again?
I just want to be ok.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I'm so happy.
Lay aside all your judgement and steroetypes and inhibitions of watching a so called "kiddy" animation film.
How to train your dragon is one movie you should never miss.
it's so sweet and touching.
it's officially made it's way to my top favourite list now.
<3 it to bits!