Sunday, October 24, 2010
sorry.
i know i said i wasnt going to post until i was at 97.
not 97 yet. but down to 100lbs.
foot injured. not sure how i'm going to get any running done now D:
seriously, is it that hard?
to get some fucking empathy around here?
whenever anyone else gets a namby pamby little scrape or a bruise, everyone fusses around them like it's the end of the world.
regular "have you reapplied dettol on the wound? let me help."
and plenty of "oh it's OK, I'll help you get it, take care of that bruise/cut"
fucking shit.
i have a 5 cm cut stretching down the sole of my foot.
and that's only because i stood in the huge downpour for fucking ages
to help shade you from the rain whilst you were changing the fucking tires.
soaked as in the staying in a warm bath for ages until your skin turns wrinkly kind of soaked.
if not why would i get such a fucking deep cut.
this is probably nothing compared to those of you out there who self harm/cut.
but fucking shit. at least can't someone actually bother to care enough to ask if i'm alright?
other than fucking complaining about all the things that i'm not doing because i can't even hobble anywhere without the help of a fucking umbrella?
and guess what, i'm still effing doing the dishes/ cleaning out the fridge and doing my chores.
you know like any and every time any of you guys are ill at least i make it a point to ask you guys if you're ok?
and never, have a i ever commented that it's "just a small cut, we've had worse, stop making a fuss."
shit. all i'm asking for is a " are you ok?"
3 fucking words.
is it that hard?
yeah. course it is, cause you don't fucking care.
i lost 5 pounds during "Recovery". and you can't/ don't even notice because you're too caught up over the ants in our house.
this is such a whiny rant, but you know, it'd just be nice to know that someone actually cared.
for once.
am not going to post anything other than weight updates until i'm back at 97.
am going to try get some more of my pills.
as well as some sleeping pills. my nights have been crap.
i'm sick of always having and trying to play the peace keeper,
to keep the teetering scales of our warped family ties from toppling.
for all these years, i've just been stuffing them down this hole in the back of my head.
and after everything, everyone just goes off on their own ways and pretends that everything is alright.but it's so obvious that it's not. they're just waiting, stewing, and if you just took one look,you'd see the bubbles brewing, just beneath the surface, waiting to pop.
and so i'm caught there in the middle again.
i think i've honed the skill of suppressing all these emotions to such a fine skill
that half the time, even when i do and want to write or vent them out,or just to even cry all of these emotions out, halfway through, i'll forget what it was about,
i'll "forget" why i was so *rawr* or why i was feeling so upset in the first place,
like i'd just turn completely numb and zombie like, and even if i wanted to finish crying, i wouldn't be able to.
(like now. i was going to write about this horrid fight that just broke out, and i can't. i've like "forgotten". )
it's like all my emotions would just disappear. but inside, i think/know that they're just hiding, temporarily.which sometimes scares me, because i know that one day they'll break the chains that hold are holding them down now.
i feel like someone stuck in between the worlds, trying to be normal, perfect and sweet.
but really i just feel like a android, who never got her circuit programed the right way. and i'm just trying to cope, to see how far down the stream of life i can drift along on, before my parts really break down.
i just hit a new i-don't-know-what-to-call-it.
the past few days have been a blur...
i've been floating in and out of should i say consciousness, since last Friday with my horrid horrid headaches, and some problems i've had with my eyes.
so in between the serious lack of appetite and the weird medications and the mild electroacupuncture thing, i've just drifted along, somewhat lost in the stream of time.
and so surprisingly after shooting up all the way to a horrifying 53.5(kg), my weight has dropped, thank god, down to 50.5kg (111 lbs) . which makes my BMI 17.5.
ironic, cause i was supposed to eat normally and keep my weight since we're having our
End-Of-Years, and i'm still in/on recovery.
hopefully, i won't be made to gain it all back again D: