hello. I've been off for a while, I've slid right down till I've hit rock bottom and I'm now back trying to get my life somewhat back into shape. been trying to find myself again, after the all the mind games with my ED and the lovely warped little mental experiments I've tried on myself. I'm sick of the binge cycles and the self destructive habits which that seemingly harmless little recovery session has done. it's horrid. when you have an eating disorder, and when it becomes your way of life, it's the only way, the only life you know. but then when you go into recovery, they try to show you that there are other things out there, that there are other ways to live your life. they show you their happy faces, the smiles, the joy, their carefree ways, where you can let it all go... slowly, like a child that doesn't know better, tempted by promises of that distant fairytale land, you start to believe. at first, just for a moment, a fleeting moment. the possibilities flood your mind. overwhelmed. but still, from within you a clearer voice, of sanity cries out and pulls you back. impossible. you listen, for a while. but the tantalising call of choosing otherwise and having all your worries, troubles and what not, banished forever persists. the thoughts creep back into your mind. maybe i could, maybe i could lead their way of life. and you start to believe. perhaps it would bring happiness, and change things. it did, for not the better but for the worse. you try. curiously, you peep and take your first step. and then guided by their soothing voices, the next, and then another. you walk towards your paved path to doom. for you can never live their lives. there were no crossroads down our path. all looped back to the start. left only too tired and with nought but our battered minds. and when you try to turn back to your original oblivion ways, the safe haven that has kept you thus far, you'll find you've lost your way. on a tangled web of highways, speeding too fast per hour. you struggle, screaming, trying to find the original order in your life. but every so often the mirage of the false paradise they've shown will come back to haunt you again. you grasp helplessly, despite yourself, despite everything that the years of experience have taught you. arms flailing, you wake up, realising there's only nothing in your hands but air.

i want my old life back.

and if you've never heard of dubstep, or Unicorn Kid, go take a listen. :D

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