i haven't managed to figure out how to follow people yet, blogger keeps telling me to sign up with a certain account o_O

but thank you for the 2 wonderful followers :D
considering i only managed to figure out how to embed the follower panel thing last week :P

once i figure out how this thing works, i swear i'll follow back.

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i need to cut.
i need to scream until my voice turns hoarse
i need to sink deeper, until my lungs burst
i need to cry until my eyes go blind
i need to OD until i black out
i need to die
i need to free fall until i hit rock bottom and see the blood splatters on the sidewalk

i want to dissapear. please.
make it all end.

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blood doesnt even feel satisfactory enough anymore.
back on restricting + and my runs.

aim:
47kg by the end of this month.
43kg by the end of december.
this time it's for real. nothing's coming in my way.

and please please please let me get that scholarship.
i'm sick of feeling like worthless shit.

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plox. I've been at work for the past 2 weeks. 
Yes WORK!
It's kind of dumb how I'm so excited and hyper about it, but hey, this is my first semi-proper job.
 (yes, semi-proper because it's an attachment thing and because i get no pay, but whatevs.)

not awe-inspiring  job, but still a job nonetheless. so basically i stand around to help sell Christmas stuff. and expensive posh Christmas stuff at that. so HA! :P

the other sales people are all amazingly nice and friendly. and i bet i'll miss them a whole ton when my attachment ends D:

but don't even get me started on the food.
bleh. it's basically DRENCHED in oil.

right. so that's about it.
will post more later.

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fat pig.
get some self restraint!
broke my 2-day-was-going-to-be-3-day-fast.
it started with a glass of milk. then a hard boiled egg (egg white+1/2 the yolk). and then more milk. and 5 calories worth of cocoa powder which then escalated into me gorging what would be roughly 1/4 of a whole damn freaking watermelon.

downed an energy drink, ate a orange, went out, stood for 3 hours travelling to meet a bunch of "friends" who left before i even got there..  Came back home, stuffed myself with 5 vegetarian 饼 fillings. ate half a wafer and 1 piece of dried jackfruit.

utterly disgusting.

so thats
milk+ cocoa powder -270 cals
energy drink - 140 cals
vegetarian 饼 fillings - 370 cals
wafer + jackfruit - 50 cals
watermelon - 350 cals
orange - 65 cals

that's a total of  1 245 freaking calories.

seriously shit. how did i even sink this low?
and it's not even as though they're repulsively greasy junk food.
it's all "healthy" food. save for the half chunk of wafer.
calories, i hate you.

off to the gym tomorrow. hopefully i'll get some swimming done while i'm there :D

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crazily scared and insecure about my scholarship application.
cause i sneaked/handed it in late and my grades suck. and I'm a pathetic liar and i don't think any of my teachers will have anything positive to even recommend about me.

Please God let me get in. Please God let me get in. Please God let me get in. Please God let me get in. Please God let me get in. Please God let me get in.
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Please God, let me get in for the scholarship programme.

*yes i typed them all by hand. please please please let me get in... it determines my college courses*

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i'm scared. are you scared?
voids that fill up too quickly and empty too fast.

i miss contact.
too many people that i know but don't.
just a whole ton of familiar faces, voices and half hearted waves that are on a constant roll: Pause at Hi.
too many opportunities slipped by.
atomic collisions, that could have grown, but didn't.

is it too late?
turn back the time. when did we let go?

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