i miss the people i knew but don't know.
the year when i absorbed myself into myself and nurtured my ed instead of my friendships

but today i miss the me i used to be and feel,
the quiet self assurance that came from inside every time i said no
and refused to let my body and my instincts rule me by human needs.
the strength to resist and stand, defying the odds of the norm.

the reassuring emptiness and lightness that reiterated: you can.
if you can do this, you can do anything
i feel like i've lost myself in the process,
when i turned away. from the ED that kept me so strong
 and sure of myself,of my abilities.
though every one and thing screamed at the absurdness of it all

school is rather horrid now, in a sense.
i feel like just another mediocre human being lost in the sea of masses.
just another statistic of the other 99% so we can applaude that 1% who made it.

i wish i meant something in this world.
and that i didn't fail at everything i tried to do.


i want back that self control.

goal weight: 100

and while i'm at that, i'm sure my studies will pick up, as they always do when i'm on a diet/regime.
unlike now when i'm constantly stuck stuffing my face.

comments

self indulgent.  we are.
too much and too often.

comments

why are we looking for gerald in a world of birkens?
there is no love.

only self posession.
and need.

just like how only skinny people look good in dresses.
we are just parts in the great machinery of life.

but even so, we want to be the most slender and refined.

comments

we refuse,
i refuse. i refuse to let my life be dictated by society.

nothing matters so long as we're alive.

comments

somehow, today feels like the beginning of a brand new year.
i choose to believe. in possibilities and change.

cause our souls keep us ALIVE.
when we focus on the things that do matter.
and start seeing the world through our OWN eyes.
when we tear off these tinted glasses that we've been brought up in

we are the only ones who can set ourselves free.
from the numbing conformity of life.

we don't have to follow their rules or to play their games
cause we live in a world of our own.

we make our own rules. we define our own happiness.
i refuse. i refuse.
i refuse to get tied down by your silly ideals.  and stereotypes.


we're breaking free today.

liberation. today.

comments

oh and my mom told me i looked slightly thinner/ paler/ gaunter yesterday.
which felt somewhat nice. even though the scale speaks otherwise as i struggle in the 50-51.5 range :\
and that i have a feeling that it's also mostly because i look pretty bad surviving on 2-3 hours of sleep for the past week D:

comments

is it odd that for someone who is always lost in and about life,
that i'm so indefinitely sure that my first pay check will be going into starting up a plastic surgery fund?

and especially so for since i'm constantly telling others to love themselves.
and to embrace themselves for who they are?

in a generation that outwardly shuns falsities and comestic surgeries,
but are constantly chasing the new perfection
buying into the impossible standards of fashion and beauty
that the media is selling us

and then whenever we have these in class discussions about plastic surgery and the perception of beauty
i'll just try and regurgitate some sort of a politically correct answer, and then smile and sit back passively feeling absolutely out of place with all these people around me who seem so contented and happy with their appearances.

disturbingly, i don't actually want to see life the way they do, i don't actually want to gain their sense of self love and self acceptance. i still want to continue hating the way i look, until i achieve perfection.
 and sometimes i feel kind of ashamed of the fact that i feel this way :/

*sorry i don't know why today's post turned out to be so tacky and awfully self indulgent*

comments

we i can't help it that some of us are i'm born stupid and ugly.
sorry for being a complete waste of air and space.

comments

i wish my parents wouldn't fight so much and so often over/about me.

i wish i never let myself fall into the temptation of consumerism. and that i never put such outrageous ideas into my dad's head.

i mean of course, i anticipated it right? in my half true prophecies.
i should have known. i had known.

i wish i could give them both all a hug, and to tell them, everything's going to be alright.
and that i love them with all my heart.
i wish.

sometimes, i can see them, tired, lethargic
bogged down by life. dragged down into the murky depths,
by all the necessities of life,
of experience of the rules that society imposes on us,
quietly, stealthily, when we were looking the other way
and then we wake up each day,
with a sudden realisation of the manacles that chain us to our
death beds.

and we start to wonder,
what are we living for.

i hope the light never extinguishes, and the life never leaves their eyes.
i hope your enthusiasm and the sparkle in your eyes will never go out
that your souls will never die before your body does.

because i love you guys.
despite my wayward ways.
and even though i never say these words out loud.
i love you mom and dad,
and i miss the times when we used to walk together in the parks,
aimlessly happy.


my dad suddenly came home with an iphone for me. which was sort of like wow. since we're not rich or anything. and they're still pretty overpriced in our country... well anyways my mom was really annoyed about it. she thinks my dad is overly lavish. (though i do think that it really was pretty lavish in a really nice way) so they started in a pretty heated argument :\
now i kind of feel bad. especially since i'm not doing very well in terms of my studies either... alright, i'm doing pretty badly for my studies and i know that they're going to be pretty disappointed. and they're just going to sigh and tell me that it's alright and that so long as i try it's ok. but i know that when i'm not at home they'll fret over it for me and it's going to take it's toll on them :\

gotta work harder now. and eat less. you pig.
and work out more. and pull my grades up.
if we can't be perfect, at least i want to be able to say that i died trying.
that i gave my best. and if it still ain't enough,then it's no longer up to me to decide.

comments