Tuesday, January 24, 2012
this is warped. and it's going to be.
if I can try to get better for someone
then as far as logic goes I sure damn well can get worse for someone else.
better hasn't made me happy. not in the same sense of self fulfillment kind of happy.
it's helped to ice those injured heart strings,
it's helped to numbed some of the pain
in self delusion
no one respects you when you're inferior and fat
they only beguile you with sweet words of what a great figure you have
only because they know you ain't skinny anymore
there's a certain morbid delight I guess
I've made half hearted attempts at inching back towards my old anorexic habits
but there was always this nagging guilt:
what are you doing to your body?! it screamed.
you promised not to! they'd be disappointed
but trying only made things worse.
I'm sick of pretending that I'm happy. that I'm contented.
because I'm not.
I'm sick of plastering on a smile, and sticking with this I'm content at life shit
life is good sometimes.
but if you want anything you've got to work for it
and if you suck at everything you do, no one is going to respect you enough to listen to your opinions. and why should they?
I've already made my sacrifices. what's there to lose?
lost my lovely hip lenght curls, my skin has gone to shit anyways.
I've already paid my price since a long time back.
almost a year of "recovery" and I don't see my soft tresses growing back do i?
now it's a tangle of black stringy straw..
the texture of a badly made wig.
and this time, no more guilt tripping!
i've made my attempt at recovery for you.
I've tried. for a year I've tried. I'm grateful that you
I gave my body a break. I'm sorry it's not that I'm no longer trying for you. just that recovery has left me just as hollow as I was before, emotionally. and I'm no longer going to molly-coddle myself with it.
stop trying to guilt trip me. this time I'm losing for someone else.
[funny how I do so much better when I'm not doing things entirely for myself. funny how I am able to do so much better when I'm doing it for someone else. yes the logic is warped. using someone as an excuse to indulge in my Ed habits. but hey, didn't thy tell me to gain for the very same reasons? do it for your family, that matronly figure in white coaxed. and like a new born lion pup, I listened. wrong move darling.anyhow, this time I'm doing it for someone else to counter your hold.]
I'm doing it for j. who is a wonderful person by the way.
and I'm also doing it for the self assurance and the odd sense of calmess that it gives me.
mostly for the self assurance I guess.
to know that I'm still good enough and that I can do it.
clear goals.
new mindsets.
determination.
willpower.
and self discipline.
cw:52.5kg
gw1: sub 50kg
gw2: 47kg
ugw: double digits 99lbs/45kg
and it's just back to the plain old basics.
fasting, running, pushups, sit-ups and a multivitamin a day. plus lots of water.
aiming to hit 47 by the start of march.
then I can try to clear the last 2 kg by the end of march.
I truly apologize if I offend anyone.
sometimes I just find it hard to accept the fact that people
might(even though I don't think so) still accept me for who I am even if I'm not perfect.
buy by golly, why would you want to stay with someone imperfect when there are so many picture perfect people out there?
maybe my boyfriend will love me the way I am, but I'll never feel it, and I'll never feel secure unless I'm skinny enough.