i'm sick of always having and trying to play the peace keeper,
to keep the teetering scales of our warped family ties from toppling.
for all these years, i've just been stuffing them down this hole in the back of my head.

and after everything, everyone just goes off on their own ways and pretends that everything is alright.but it's so obvious that it's not. they're just waiting, stewing, and if you just took one look,you'd see the bubbles brewing, just beneath the surface, waiting to pop.

and so i'm caught there in the middle again.


i think i've honed the skill of suppressing all these emotions to such a fine skill
that half the time, even when i do and want to write or vent them out,or just to even cry all of these emotions out, halfway through, i'll forget what it was about,
i'll "forget" why i was so *rawr* or why i was feeling so upset in the first place,
like i'd just turn completely numb and zombie like, and even if i wanted to finish crying, i wouldn't be able to.

(like now. i was going to write about this horrid fight that just broke out, and i can't. i've like "forgotten". )

it's like all my emotions would just disappear. but inside, i think/know that they're just hiding, temporarily.which sometimes scares me, because i know that one day they'll break the chains that hold are holding them down now.

i feel like someone stuck in between the worlds, trying to be normal, perfect and sweet.

but really i just feel like a android, who never got her circuit programed the right way. and i'm just trying to cope, to see how far down the stream of life i can drift along on, before my parts really break down.

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