Tuesday, October 11, 2011
i'm tired.
i really am.
i want to stop. this tedious heart.
i'm dying.
a bit, everyday.
no not mentally, but physically. my heart is dying.
i can hear it skip it's beat.
i feel sick and nauseous every morning.
a friend of mine that i haven't talked to for a while came up to me yesterday and told me i wasn't walking straight.
tomorrow i am going to buy sleeping pills and dissolve,
into peace, even if it's just for a while.
by the way on a side note,
i am one day going to regret ever posting this.
but i used to, and still do have an immense fear of dying in ugly awkward/weird underwear.
imagine strangers, policemen, coroners,
staring at your body, looking and commenting,
it just creeps me out.
and i have this equally great fear of dying ugly and fat.
imagine the amount of repulse for someone to have to handle an ugly fat dead body.
as if it wasn't enough of an annoyance for me to die and leave behind a cumbersome shell of a lump of flesh. oh hey look. it's a lump of fat ugly cellulite, blubber covered lump of flesh.
oh and fear three: all the people bullshitting about "good stuff" about me, when i'm positive once the funeral is over, they'd be rattling off like a chipmunk on drugs about what a huge failure i've been. and all my disgusting, pathetic faults.
wow. that sounded stupid.
summed up in < 140 characters:
I can’t commit suicide cause I’m scared people will see I’m fat, ugly and might not be wearing nice undies. Oh, and cause they might gossip.
but i am just sick and tired of everything right now.