i dont ever want to get pregnant.
i can't even stand periods.
Can you even begin to imagine what it feels like to have some thing inside you?
growing and moving. ugh.

to have this thing growing inside you.
feeling it kick and squirm and get bigger everyday.

this foreign, alien thing, inside your body.
it's not even mine.

yes i love you.
i would do it in a heartbeat.
sounds lovely doesn't it.
i'd love to carry your bloodline.
i really would. to be able to give you something that's entirely yours.
a miniature creation of you.
i want to be able to give you your own kids.
i know how you're such a family person.
it shows, from everything you do.
even from before i met you.

i hear it everyday in their casual jokes,
all in fun and jest.
i should be grateful shouldn't i?
how many guys are that settled and committed?

since the day we turned official, you've been telling me
we'll last.
will we?
we will?

the future stretches into infinity,
a million and one days.
or maybe even more.

we'll make it work.
promises, i don't doubt them.
you've always stuck to your word.

and we've danced around the topic more than once.

but there's just this gap
this vast, vague black hole
my mind just skips from wanting to be the perfect other half for you
and the concept of pregnancy.

never liked looking at the taut stretched stomach of pregnant women.
doesn't even feel real. it doesn't even look vaguely normal.
surely women arn't made to be like that.
what if say, one day, i fell.
would everything just split open,
into a gaping mess of blood, gore and whatever else.
it feels as though everything would just tear, from inside out.
skin, blood, bones and flesh.

have you ever heard of diastasis recti?
ugh. it's like your whole stomach muscles splitting into two.
just imagine. does that even sound remotely normal?

but it's just the thought of having something else that freaks me out to bits.
not that all these years of ED thoughts have helped
our morbid obsessions with purity, and sanctity of the human body.
don't like putting foreign foods into my body.
i've always eaten the same few things, when i'm outside.

and now to have an entirely foreign thing living,breathing and growing inside me?
i know biologically anyone would argue that they're the same ball of cells, growing from inside me.
that just sounds like a tumor.
not particularly tempting either.

illogical, i know.
maybe i'm being childish or immature.
but i just don't want to have one.

maybe if you forced me to,
or if you secretly switch my pills
if it just happens by accident, perhaps i'd be too chicken to back out.
maybe that might work.
cause abortion sounds equally repulsive.

having to look through all those videos
the clinical procedures. of how they crush the skull
and then slowly extract each tiny limb.
urgh.

and then there's the process of nursing that thing.
the sleepless nights filled with endless screaming.
you know i hate that dont you?
crying babies. their shrieks just piercing through the air
forcing themselves against your eardrums.
you cant even block them out.
the desperation and need.
it's almost confrontational. the helplessness.
like a never ending argument that you can't ever win.
no running away.

usually i would just give in, make peace. end it.
but how do you make peace with screaming infant
when all i want to do is to curl up in some corner, cover my ears
and wish myself away into another fantasy land. or at the very least, rock myself to sleep.
it's not even as though there's anything you can do to cease the crying.

what if you do something wrong, and upset the balance of some minute detail
and that affects the development of that child forever.
the things that you don't even know you did wrong.

fastforward.
what about the teenage years of angst.
some where inbetween i fell through the cracks.
unintentionally. i guess.
something went wrong. nobody saw. nobody knew either.
i lost a part of my childhood in a blur. grew up too fast, and saw too much of the dark side of life.
the thing with knowledge and experiences is that you can never un-know anything.
once registered into your consciousness, there's not rewind button.
no delete. erase. or forget.
no matter what you do, there's always going to be the instinctive reflex
it's just going to pop up into your mind when you least expect it.
pieces of your past.
and i don't ever want to put my children through that painful process.
ever.

instinctively when i look at food, no matter how many times i've tried to "recover" the first thing i can think about is good, bad, calorific or safe. i don't ever want my kids (should i even have any) to be haunted by things like this. i want them to look at food, to savour the taste. to eat when they are hungry and to stop when they're full. to love wholesome healthy food because it's good for them, and not out of  the fear of eating something "bad" i want them to even some times indulge in the occasional sweet treat. 

19 is pretty young. but 20 is round the corner.
and soon the years will blur into each other.
and i just really wanted to get this out.



dear, what would you ever think of me if you found this?




what do you think of adoption? but i want to have your children. 
yours and yours alone.  i want these miniature versions of you to be running about the house. 

i want to watch them grow. i want to give them the nurture and the security of a loving environment that i never got to experience. i want to walk down supermarket aisle with you, holding hands. i want to show them what love feels like. i want them to believe, in fairy tales, that still exist within the our drab society. i want to go on family outings. i want to teach them humility, i want to grow their self esteem, to nurture their self confidence. i want to show them what empathy and compassion means. i want to help them establish their own self discipline. i want to open their minds, for them to grow in an environment of curiosity and creativity. i want to teach them the value of thrift, yet show them the value of money. how it can bring both despair and happiness. how we can create our own moments and define success. how to be content and always grateful. how to fall, to laugh at our own mistakes and then to pick ourselves up again. a little bruised, but stronger and wiser than before. i want equip them with the courage to dream. i want them to learn to appreciate every little thing in life. i want them to be chivalrous gentlemen, and elegant, poised ladies. i want so much for them. don't think i can even achieve half the things on this list. 

not to mention there's still the problem of procuring these kids. given that i'm not particularly inclined to the idea of pregnancy. 

what do you think of surrogates? man, i'd be really tempted to consider.
or maybe you should really just trick me into it. 
until it's too late for me to back out. 

this whole post is warped. 




 i want to raise my hand, to volunteer at all those zoo shows, you know, the ones where you go up on stage and participate to pat some animal or something. to show them that it's alright to stand out, to have the courage to try something new or different if you really want to . to jump at opportunities. my parents always pushed me from behind. go up. why don't you raise your hand to volunteer? and all along, i wanted to. just that i never had the guts. if we ever have kids, i want to lead and teach by example. like how you've always done so with me. how your calm composure never fails to soothe my crazy episodes of freaking out over the tiniest things. i want to rush up there in eagerness, to show them, there's no need to fear public situations. 

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