how i ever slipped down this worm hole,
this one way tunnel to self destruction perfection.
i have no idea.
maybe i do. or maybe it was just a subtle sneaky process that i didn't even realise that it was happening .
or maybe i just let it happened.
or maybe, normal was such a long time ago that now,i've simply forgotten.

we are not stick figures, mannequins made with steel hearts and iron wills.
more often that not we're made out of furtive cookie crumbs, empty icecream cartons with a sad, sorry ice cube for a heart.
always cold inside. weepy, drippy thingies.
alone.
we are walking, talking cardiac failures just waiting to happen.
professional liars and illusionists.

alot of people have the misconception that anorexics or disordered individuals dont binge. that we keep a permanently strict diet. i wish. most of the time in the dark or when no one else is around we slip, and the mask falls. we gorge ourselves like ravenous pudgy little kids set free in the candy store. feasting until our oesophagus ruptures or until we given in and collapse on the floor in shame.
we must be strong. stronger.
more often that not eating disorders are a cycle of binging and purging. binging. purging. restriction. intensive workouts. sleep. hibernation. repeat.

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